Metal Gear Solid: The Humorous Walkthrough
by Tekkenicus
Summary: A somewhat half-assed attempt at a comedy story on Metal Gear Solid (1)- and mixing a walkthrough into it as well. . Rated R for swearing and themes not as uncut as NC-17, but not 13-viewable *Update* Chapter 3 now added
1. #Someone's in the Kitchen With Darpa, ha...

**_Metal Gear Solid: The Humorous Walkthrough._**   
**_By Tekkenicus_**

Disclaimer: Metal Gear Solid ain't my property, I have the game, but I don't _own_ it, so to speak, and I didn't make it either- give that credit to Konami & Kojima-san. 

**Chapter 1: #Someone's in the Kitchen With Darpa, hanging out with Baker too#**

(enter Solid, swimming in the icy cold waters, getting up on the stage, while Liquid is talking with the guards on the elevator) 

Liquid: (camp accent) And then I said to Vulcan, 'why are you tearing that cannon from that plane? You'll never be able to carry it', but he could! I couldn't beliiiieeeve it! Oh, and *ahem* (back to his British accent) Stay alert, he'll come through here, I know it   
Guard: Right boss!   
Liquid: I going to swat down some bothersome flies.   
Guard: De planes! De planes!   
Liquid: Yes, Batoo, the planes!   
Guard: Ah right boss!   
(Liquid moves up in the elevator) 

Snake: *thoughts: and he's the one responsible for all this?* *makes a Codec Call*   
Snake: Hey, yo' Colonel, it's me.   
Campbell: Finally, I've been waiting ages! We've only got 18 hours! Do you realise that?! Plus I got an engagement tomorrow with the Old Soldiers 70's Disco Dance tonight, and I'd like to go there without a taste of plutonium warhead in my face!   
Snake: It's gonna be a lot longer if you keep yelling at me   
Campbell: Fine, fine. Anyway, where are you?   
Snake: I'm at the 'sneak point'   
Campbell: …are you reading the scripts to the upcoming sequel?   
Snake: er….no?   
Campbell: Good, now, anyway up from there?   
Snake: I think I see an elevator   
Campbell: Well, take it up to the surface then! Oh, and, don't forget my frequency will you? (end call) 

Snake: (getting up) Jeez, way to give me advice-hey! A ration's down there! *jumps into the water, and a few seconds later emerges back to where he was standing, using the underwater steps* much better. Now…where to? …oh, silly me (crawls under a tank, then stops) damn, a guard 

Guard: *drinking coffee in large amounts* gotta keep awake *yawn* must keep awa-*slurp*-awake (turns around*   
Snake: *slips past the guard* Hehehehe, sucker *splash* oh crap!   
Guard: Huh? *walking towards Snake*   
Snake: Uh-oh *dashes off behind the opposite tank*   
Guard: *looking around* hmph, must be those darn hallucinations again, right Pinkie?   
Snake: Phew! Now to-   
Guard 2: #Don't tear my *yawn* heart, my achy breaky heart*   
Snake: *hides around the side of the tank*   
Guard 2: wonder what around- *yawn* here? …nothing? OK then- #don't tear my heart, my achy breaky heart#   
Snake: -_- these guys must be sick! *crawls under pipe, walks quietly through puddle, and runs up beside the forklift truck* Now, to wait- *Codec rings* ok, what could this be? 

Campbell: Oh, I forgot to tell you. The frequency is 140.85   
Snake: I know, it's standing out on the Codec screen   
Campbell: It is?   
Naomi: Can I say something now?   
Snake: Get back to your kitchen woman!   
Naomi: Shut up!   
Snake: I'm only kidding! Lighten up!   
Naomi: >: (   
Campbell: Anyway, just wait for that elevator- can't take forever to come down can it? (ends call) 

Snake: Ok…..just have to wait…..patiently….like a snake towards its prey…(to Spiderman theme)#Solid Snake, Solid Snake, doesn't half like a piece of cake*   
Guard 3: tum-te-tum, too-tee-too, dum-de-dum…   
Snake: Uh-oh *hides on the north side of the forklift*   
Guard 3: and now around   
Snake: -_- *goes back to his previous spot to the side of the truck*   
Guard 3: and nothing there either….good! *leans against the truck and takes out a dirty mag* hehehehehe   
Snake: grrrr   
Guard 3: Huh, what was-?   
(loud siren blares out and patrol lights flash*   
Guard 3: Oh shit! *shoves mag back inside his jacket and stands attentive*   
Snake: Ah finally! The lift! *codec call* huh? *answers call* 

Campbell: Snake, you're an American! It's an elevator! Ok? (end call) 

Snake: …jerk   
(guard leaves elevator)   
Guard 4: ….ok, whose been reading dirty mags?   
Guard (from the conversation with Liquid): I dunno boss!   
Guard 1: Not me   
Guard 2: No idea squire   
Guard 3: *sweating* not me either sir!   
Guard 4: *looking Guard 3 square in the eye* are you sure?   
Guard 3: *sweating even more* Yes sir! Absolutely sure!   
Snake: -_- *runs into the elevator*   
Guard 4: what the-? WHO MADE THE ELEVATOR MOVE?   
Guard: someone on da surface boss   
Guard 4: Oh great! 

Snake: now to remove this scuba gear *takes off his scuba gear while dancing, to some stripper music* 

(at base HQ)   
Naomi: ooh, juicy ^_^   
Campbell: Hey! Let me see!   
Naomi: Pipe down Colonel! - oh, he's stopped now   
Campbell: grrrr!! And I wanted to see his hot bod too! 

(back in the elevator)   
Snake: there, finished. Now, what do I have? Scope, rations, cigs and no weapons- boy, aren't I equipped ready for this mission?   
(elevator reaches the surface)   
Snake: Finally! Way to waste another couple of hours off my limit! *dashes behind a container* Now to call Campbell….*codec call* 

Snake: Yo' Colonel! I be in front o' da disposal facilitee!   
Campbell: Yeah bitch! Age hasn't slowed you down one bit!   
Snake: hey! I be as youn' n' happenin' as da next dawg!   
Naomi: shut up Snake, you know nothing about Ebonics   
Snake: and you do? English girl?   
Naomi: ….just shut up.   
Snake: *hears the sound of rotors* eh? *looks around and spots Liquid leaving in his Hind-D* Hey, dat be a Badass piece o' sheet dere man! Yo' Campbell! 'ow did dese guys get a Russhan ganship hyah?   
Campbell: Dunno, and please, talk normally!   
Snake: Ok, ok.   
Campbell: Snake, ya gotta hurry! There's not much time!   
Voice: (in kung-fu movie dubbing voice) Ha! He musta be crazy to fly in such wezza! Ha ha ha!   
Snake: Who's that?   
Campbell: Oh, forgot to introduce you two. This is Mei-Ling, she made the codec's and your radar system   
Mei-Ling: *wiping mouth* Hello Massa Snake! It is such honour to be a-working with a you!   
Snake: …   
Mei-Ling: What is wrong Massa Snake?   
Snake: Nothing, just didn't expect an inventor of such high-tech equipment to be so…dubbed   
Mei-Ling: Ah, you be very insightful, and yet, you are just flattering me!   
Snake: No, really, and you're pretty cute too- how about we shag when this is over?   
Mei-Ling: I cannot believe I am being a propositioned by Massa Snake! Though, you are very frank for trained killer   
Snake: I'm not Frank, I'm Da-   
Campbell: Just tell him the frequency! My 'military leader' is getting lonely ;)   
Mei-Ling: Ah fine, Massa Snake- don't forget my code, it is 140.96- call me to save progress and for insightful words that don't help but provoke thought   
Snake: Don't worry, I'll remember it   
Mei-Ling: Have I told you about Radar system?   
Snake: That it jams in places of strong harmonic resonance, such as narrow spaces, and when seen by the enemy? Yeah, I got'cha   
Campbell: Snake, I know you're pissed about your weapons being taken away and Naomi strip-searching you   
Snake: Don't worry, I liked it…the strip-search anyway   
Naomi: *sighs* wouldn't mind being strip-searched myself   
Campbell: Well, anyway, if you find any weapons on that base, use them! Ammo must be littered all over the place!   
Snake: I hope so   
Campbell: Oh, and try to find a vent to climb into- since you can't go in through the front door. There should be two, one on the upper floor, and one on your level   
Snake: I dunno, I could disguise myself as a soldier and take the front-   
Campbell: YOU WILL TAKE THE AIR VENTS!   
Snake: Ok, ok, I'll take the air vent!   
Campbell: Good, cos I'm counting on you Snake! *end Codec call* 

Snake: *muttering curses* Big shot Colonel telling me what to do, like to take him here and make him do all this work, lousy, lazy sonuva-Hello! There's a box of something in the middle of the helipad, with searchlights all around! Hmm, but when to grab it? …Ah, I know *dashes across to the left opening when the lights move, keeping to the left side, then looks on at the gap* now, wait until it's at its widest and….there! *runs across, grabs the box and runs out safely* No problem at all! Though what the hell are these? *gets his Codec* Ok, 1-4-1.5-2….*bleep bleep* 

Nastasha: This is Nastasha Romanenko, a pleasure working with you   
Snake: Stop smoking, it'll give you lung cancer *coughs loudly* damn, I need a cigarette   
Nastasha: Uh-huh, anyway, *seductive voice* you can call me anytime ;)   
Snake: …on wanting to know what weapons are which and for nuclear product moaning, right?   
Nastasha: I'm sure you can make me moan ;)   
Snake: Ok, that's twice that you've winked at me   
Nastasha: Oh, I'm sorry.   
Snake: Anyway, what are these 'Chaff Grenades'?   
Nastasha: They disable electronic devices, like surveillance camera's and radars like yours   
Snake: damn, that sucks!   
Nastasha: Just use them, Ok?   
Snake: OK *ends call* 

Snake: Pfft! Useless piece of junk! *throws one into an opening with a surveillance camera and it explodes, confusing the camera* well, whadd'ya know? They are useful after all! *runs into the opening and picks up another box, then runs back out, towards the searchlights* ha! Easy pick-   
Guard 5: (from the upstairs airvent) Hey! There's someone on the helipad!   
Guard 6: *near the snow containers* there's a guy in the searchlights?!   
Guard 7: zzzzzzz-hey! There's a guy on the helipad   
Snake: Ah crap! *runs out from the searchlights*   
Guard 5: I've lost him!   
Guard 6: Huh?   
Guard 7: damn, can't a guy get some sleep?   
Guard 5: Get back to your patrol route before I cock-drop you!   
Guard 7: *gets back on his patrol route*   
Snake: Great, I have to deal with another guard…well, time for the arms to get into business *sneaks around the side of the helipad*   
Guard 6: *still round the containers in the snow, writing his name in the snow* ah, what a relief! I needed that! Aaahhhhhhhh!   
Snake: >_ *continues sneaking around the side*   
Guard 7: I feel…so…schleepy *walking towards Snake*   
Snake: Uh-oh *leaps into a nearby truck and hides behind a box* hey! A pistol! *codec call* 

Nastasha: Yes! You got the Socom pistol! Harasho!   
Snake: Harasho? Isn't that some kind of Russian soup?   
Nastasha: No, it's just a word. Now, the Socom is a gun, which shoots bullets, you can also equip it with a suppressor, so it won't bang loudly a lot, ok?   
Snake: If only other people were more considerate…   
Campbell: I resent that! In fact, I'm helping Mei-Ling right now- she ran out of secret sauce for her Big Mac ;)   
Snake: well, glad _someone's_ getting something to eat! >: (   
Naomi: But you have those 2 rations don't you?   
Snake: But they won't go in my mouth! I reached for them and I can't move   
Naomi: You be at full health so you can't use them   
Snake: This is the last time I ever accept an injection of nanomachines from you!   
Naomi: Like you'd have a second time!   
Campbell: Shut up both of you! And get on with the mission already! (ends call) 

Snake: Bunch of losers -_- *gets out of the van and walks towards the steps* whooaa! Surveillance cameras! damn evil sons of bitches! *leans against wall and underneath the camera* steady…steady…and…go! *runs up the stairs, right in front of Guard 5*   
Guard 5: *_*! *flash*   
Snake: O_o?   
Guard 5: O_O!!!   
Snake: Crap!   
Guard 5: Hey yo! I found the guy! I've found-urk! *shot by Snake, wielding the Socom*   
Snake: much better, now, where's that air vent?   
Guard 6: *runs to the stairs, but bumps into Guard 7* Hey, get back to your post!   
Guard 7: Hey! I heard Guard 5 first! YOU get back to your post!   
Guard 6: But _I_ got here first! So piss off!   
Guard 7: Hey, you wanna take this outside?   
Guard 6: We _are_ outside asshair!   
Snake: Hmph! *walks to the airvent, but then gets a codec call* Not another one! 

Campbell: LIQUID SHOT DOWN THE PLANES! HE SHOT DOWN THE PLANES! AAAAGGGHHHH! *breaks down crying*   
Snake: PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER COLONEL!   
Campbell: TOGETHER!? THE PLANES FELL APART! AAAAAGGGHHHHH!!! *continues crying*   
Snake: grrrr   
Campbell: Oh *sniff* and Liquid sent us a message. He said if we do something like that again, we won't get a discount at the hair salon he's going to open after all this, and launch the nuke as well.   
Snake: …o….k *ends call and crawls into the air vent* 

*at Base HQ*   
Campbell: Augh! THE PLANES! *crying*   
Naomi: there, there *patting Campbell on the back*   
Mei-Ling: There, there *also patting Campbell on the back*   
Campbell: And there, and there! *pats both Naomi & Mei-Ling on the booty*   
Naomi: O_O *slap*   
Campbell: Ow!   
Mei-Ling: *slap*   
Campbell: Ow! Again! 

*Meanwhile, in the air vent*   
Snake: Ok, left-OW! Right-ah, here it is *keeps crawling* *codec call* grrrr!! Do they want this mission done or what?! 

Snake: who the hell are you?!   
Master: *in Liquid's voice* This is Mc-*ahem* *in Master Miller's voice* This is McDonell Miller Snake, y'know, your teacher from-ah, er, school!   
Snake: My elementary school? Sir! I swear! It wasn't me who placed that smoke bomb inside your office sir! It was Eric! Honest!   
Master: No, no Snake! From survival school! I quit being a drill instructor and retired to Alaska- though I still help the Alaskan scouts   
Snake: Oh you! I remember you, my friend Benny had such a crush on you! Personally, I wouldn't mind being in a foxhole with you either ;)   
Master: Oh, Snake, you charmer *giggle* Though still, ask me anything about the fauna & flora in Alaska and other survival techniques   
Snake: …flora? Fauna?   
Master: Plants and Animals   
Snake: Oh, ok, call ya soon ;D   
Master: Looking forward to it- the frequency is 141.80 *ends call* 

Snake: *sighs* ^_^ *continues crawling…..and crawling…..and crawling…..and getting claustrophobic….and crawling…and crawling…then-*   
Snake: Huh? What's going on here?   
Guard 8: I moved the Darpa Chief to the first floor basement   
Guard 9: Why? I was having fun with him! Pointing his card to the Level 1 doors   
Guard 8: Exactly! Too much fun! Oh, and they've just opened the vent shafts for cleaning   
Guard 9: Spraying for rats?   
Guard 8: Yep, though I'd hate to think who'd get THAT job!   
Guard 9: I know! Johnny Sasaki!   
Guard 8+9: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!   
Snake: Ok, first floor basement ventilation shaft *continues crawling*   
Guard 9: Did you hear something?   
Guard 8: Nope 

Snake: *continues crawling, humming the tune to 'The Great Escape'* doo-doo-doo-doodoo, de-doo-de-doodoo, doo-doo-de-doo-de-doo-de-doodoo, doo-doo-doo-doodoo, de-doo-de-doodoo, doo-doo-de-doo-de-doo-doodoo.   
Guards In Tank Hangar: doo-doo, de-doo-de-doodoo, doo-doo-de-doo-de-doo-doo-doodoo, doo-doo-de-doodoo, de-doo-de-doodoo, doo-doo-de-doo-de-doo-doodoo!   
Snake: hmm….#always look on the bright side of life#   
Guards: *whistle on cue*   
Snake: #always look on the light side of life#   
Guards: *whistle on cue*   
Snake: Hehehehe…#tiddle-le-dum, tiddle-le-dee#   
Guards: #Eric The Half A Bee!#   
Snake: eh, enough fun now   
Guards: #Girls just wanna have fuh-un! Yeah, girls just wanna have fuuun!#   
Snake: …-_- #everybody dance now!#   
Guards: *dance a la' the steel mill workers in the Simpson's episode 'Homer's Phobia'*   
Snake: *continues crawling through the vents, and then suddenly drops down onto the upper platform of the tank hangar* *codec call* 

Campbell: Snake, try to find another elevator so you can take it to the 1st floor basement…why can I hear music from your position?   
Snake: I distracted the guards with some funky late 80's/early 90's disco-rap music   
Campbell: Good job! Now hurry to the elevator! *ends call*   
Snake: hmm, 'Stun Grenades'? heh, no need to call Nastasha to know what these do! *looks to his right* Hello Chaff Grenades! *grabs the Chaff grenades box* But how do I move? There's a surveillance cam- *looks at the camera, which is just focusing light onto a large mirrorball in the centre of the hanger* ah, no problem *runs under the camera, but causing the siren to sound anyway, but the guards ignore it*   
Guards: Ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh!   
Guard 9: Funky siren beats!   
Guard 8: Oh yeah!   
Snake: *shrugs, runs to the open door, throws in a chaff grenade, waits for it to explode, then runs in, grabs the Thermal Goggles and runs out* Piece o'cake *continues running along the platform until-*   
Guard 8: hey! You up there!   
Snake: Oh crap! I'm done for!   
Guard 8: Walk in rhythm! You're spoiling the tunes!   
Snake: Oh, ok *walks in rhythm along the platform*   
Guard 8: Much better!   
Guard 9: Oh yeah!   
Snake: *walks along up to the security camera and flattens back across wall, slowly moving under its blind spot, then as the camera turns away, runs down the stairs and hides behind one of the pillars holding up the upper platform* heh, good thing these Genome guards can't see past their blue cones! That, and they're still dancing!   
*music suddenly stops*   
Voice on Intercom: RETURN TO YOUR POSITIONS, AIIGHT! BOOYAKA, BOOYAKA!   
Guard 8: Ah well, back to work   
Guard 9: Yeah   
Snake: Ah crap! *rushes underneath an M1 Tank and crawls up to the front of it*   
Guard 8: *walks past*   
Snake: *crawls out from under the tank, runs over to the elevator and hammers the button* C'mon! c'mon!   
Elevator: *Ding!* *doors open*   
Snake: *leaps in and presses the B1 button*   
Guard 8: huh? HEY! THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE-   
*elevator doors close and moves up*   
Guard 9: Someone in the where?   
Guard 8: Oh, forget it! 

(up on the 1st floor basement)   
Snake: Ah, easy! *codec call* oh great! Another call! 

Mei-Ling: Massa Snake! You should look at radar, for it is picking up the Darpa Chief. Hurry and ressacue him!   
Snake: Ok, oh, and, save my progress…please   
Mei-Ling: You are polite Massa Snake, I will do so   
Snake: Good girl *end call* 

Snake: ah, there's the door *runs into it* OW! Damn door! Can't get in!   
Johnny: Hey, shut up in there will ya?   
Female Voice: I didn't make a sound you asshole!   
Male Voice: No' me foo'!   
Johnny: Oh, ok…   
Female Voice: It came from the door   
Snake: Uh-oh *runs down and hides around corner*   
Johnny: Hmm, better che-*stomach gurgle* Urrgghhh! My stomach! Need bathroom! *sound of loud footsteps and door opening*   
Snake: Phew! That was a close one!   
Johnny: *horrible farting sounds* ooorrgghhh! *fart* uurrgghh *squeak* ehehehe *rasp* ehrrgh!   
Snake: ew! >_ *looks around* hey, a ladder! *climbs up the ladder* Oh great! Another air vent! Well…guess this is the only route…though goddamn! It smells horrible *crawls into air vent* Eurgh! Smells even worse then foster father's old socks *spots an extra route* Hey, Socom ammo! *crawls through the route* oh god, this stinks like hell! What the hell is this route over?   
Johnny: *schlurp* oh man, that was a stinker! *sniff* damn, think I'm getting a cold as well! I *fart* hate *bottom burp* Alaska *poot* Though that woman is built alright! Built like a brick-*furt*-house!…Oh crap! There's no toilet paper!   
Snake: *shudders in disgust, grabs the Socom ammo and leaves as quickly as possible* back to the original route and crawls along it until he comes across 2 vents* Ok, now, which one of these could be the one with the chief? *looks down one*   
Woman (Meryl): *doing something you'd find on those naughty adult channels* *gasping*   
Snake: whoa O_O….erh, not him *crawls over to the other vent and spots the Darpa Chief, looking as if he's sitting peacefully on his bed…grunting?* here we go *opens up the vent*   
Darpa Chief (D.C): *looks up* Oh crap! *zips up fly* wh-wh-who' dat?   
Snake: *leaps down into the cell* Don't worry nigga', I here ta save yo' behind.   
D.C: >: (   
Snake: Erm…I didn't mean that in a racist way, honest!   
D.C: Here ta save me huh? What's yo' outfit?   
Snake: It's a special tight swimsuit, able to keep you warm in sub-zero waters. Currently in fashion with other scuba divers- though it doesn't work in sub-artic waters, for that you'd need an anti-freezing peptide…like I have- complete with nanomachines, Benzedrine and nootropics   
D.C: Very nice suit, though yo' don't look like one o' dem Genome folk…in dat case *grabs Snake by the collar* HURRY UP AN' GEMME OUTTA HERE! YO' HONKEY TIGHT-SUIT!   
Snake: Calm down, calm down, I just need to get some info from you first…   
D.C: What like?   
Snake: Like, do the terrorists have the ability to launch a nuke? Cos they're threatening the White House and all   
D.C: Isn't everyone?   
Snake: …true, true, but then, the President's too busy trying to kill Saddam Hussein then fix up the US anyway   
D.C: Sweet Jesus!   
Snake: Is it possible?   
D.C: It's possible- and they're using a weapon we and Armstech were constructing here-a weapon of overwhelming power! A nuclear-equipped walking battle-tank!   
Snake: Metal Gear?!   
D.C: You knew? Metal Gear is one o' da most secret black projects! It's dat robot dat was gonna destroy America fo' Elijah Mohammed...so I've heard.   
Snake: Well, I didn't know that, but I've had a couple of run-ins with it in the past.   
D.C: It's equipped so it can fire a nuclear wa'head from anywhere on da face o' da Earth!   
Snake: I know! I know all about what Metal Gear is! Apart from where it's at. Though, shouldn't it have safety measures?   
D.C: Ah yeah, me an' Baker have som' passwords which can activate da' nuke, an' it can't be activated wi'out dem- but they foun' out mah password.   
Snake: WHAT?!   
D.C: Psycho Mantis can read people's minds, yo' can't resist! YOU CAN'T RESIST!   
Snake: Now that be bad!   
D.C: Only a matta' o' time befo' they get Baker's too   
Johnny: *bangs on the cell door* Hey! Shut up in there will- *stomach gurgle*-urrrghhh! *runs back to the toilet*   
Snake: *hiding away from the door* phew! Close one! Though since when did he leave the toilet?   
D.C: I dunno, anyway, there's another safety measure- dere's an override system, using 3 card keys.   
Snake: Oh? Do you have the keys?   
D.C: No, Baker should hav' 'em on him though   
Snake: Ah good…where's Baker?   
D.C: In a place with a lot of electronic jamming, somewhere on the 2nd floor basement   
Snake: 2nd floor basement?   
D.C: Yeah, though they cemented over the entrances- they didn't paint them, so look fo' diff'rent coloured walls. Also, take this card, it should open up all Level 1 doors for you.   
Snake: How?   
D.C: Don't ask me! How should I know? It jus' makes them open fo' yo'   
Snake: Ok, off we go- shall I give you a leg-up into the air vent?   
D.C: No, wait- hav' yo' heard of any other way to disarm da wa'head?   
Snake: Nope   
D.C: Yo' sure? Not from yo' bosses o' anyone?   
Snake: I said 'no'! you crazy Denzel Washington look-alike!   
D.C: What 'bout da Pentagon bitch?   
Snake: Pentagon? What's they gotta do with it?   
D.C: You mean you don't kno-AAGHH! *clutching at his chest*   
Meryl: *in her cell* Huh? What's going on? *banging on the door*   
Snake: *gulps* er *impression of Johnny Sasaki* yo', shaddap in there will ya?   
Meryl: Shouldn't you be on the toilet?   
D.C: AAA-WHHYYYY???? UURRGGHH-OOORGGGHH-AAAGGHH-UGH! *falls to the ground, dead*   
Snake: Oh crap! OhcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohCRAP!!!! *codec call* 

Snake: NAOMI! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CHIEF MAAN?!? HE JUST DIED IN FRONT OF ME!   
Naomi: I dunno, it looks like an alien was trying to burst out of him, or a heart attack   
Campbell: A heart attack? Bugger me!   
Snake: You hiding something from me Colonel?   
Campbell: No, I'm hiding nothing from you Snake! *sweating* besides, you have to have a lot of connections to see the complete file.   
Snake: You want me to believe you're in charge, BUT YOU CAN'T GET THE WHOLE FILE?!   
Campbell: I'm not in charge! I'm just your support! The Secretary of Defence is in charge!   
Snake: Who?   
Campbell: Just try to get out of there and find Baker! *end call* 

Snake: Great! Trapped in a cell with a dead guy!   
Johnny: ah! Finally got some toilet pap-ARGH!   
*sounds of a scuffle outside*   
Snake: Hmm? *tries to look outside but can't see anything* damn!   
*cell doors suddenly open*   
Snake: Hmm? *walks outside and finds Johnny, naked and bent over- with a *ahem* 'turtlehead'* OH GOD! I didn't wanna see that! Ew!   
Soldier: (In female voice) DON'T MOVE! *looks into the cell* so you killed the Chief? You bastard! Thanks! I heard him grunting away ever since this morning!   
*Snake turns around*   
Soldier: LIQUID?! Hairdresser boy?…oh, wait, no, you're not   
*Snake ducks low*   
Soldier: I SAID DON'T MOVE! *hands shaking*   
Snake: First time eh?   
Soldier: I lost my virginity age's ag-   
Snake: No, I meant first time you pointed a gun at a person, your hands are shaking   
Soldier: *whimper*   
Snake: *gets out his Level 1 card* can you sho-oh, wrong weapon *puts it away and takes out his Socom, pulling a statically connected sock off of it* can you shoot me rookie?   
Soldier: Careful! I'm no rookie!   
Snake: *Wolverine impression* Liar! That nervous glance, that scared look, shaky hands and wet patch on trousers- you're a definite rookie, that and you haven't taken off the safety catch on that Famas.   
Soldier: I'M NOT A ROOKIE SWEAT STAIN! *looks towards the door* Open that door! You have a card don't you?   
Snake: Why should I?   
Soldier: So we can get the hell outta here, Whad'ya think?   
*guards 10, 11 & 12 rush in*   
Snake: Looks like we'll be delayed   
Guard 12: What're you doing tonight Johnny? I got 2 tickets to the opera tomorrow night?   
Snake: Don't say yes! Just shoot! *kills all 3 guards with his Socom-picking up discarded ammo from them* What are you waiting for?! SHOOT!!   
Soldier: Don't talk to me like a rookie! You hurt my feelings *sniff*   
Snake: I can comfort you later! JUST SHOOT!   
Soldier: *looks at Snake and imagines him as her mother* Mother?   
Mother: Just shoot Meryl! Shoot! Never had this problem with your brother's, they're so well behaved, and do very well in school- why can't you be more like them?   
Soldier: GRRRAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! *shoots guards 13, 14 & 15, then reloads*   
Snake: Much better!   
Soldier: I love you Mom! ;_;   
Snake: Huh? Shit! *more guards run in to get shot to pieces by Meryl & Snake- with Snake picking up the ammo as he goes along, but then, some balls are thrown into the room*   
Soldier: what are these?   
Snake: Oh crap! *hides to the side of the door*   
*the balls- a.k.a, grenades, explode*   
Soldier: OW! Dammit!   
*more guards run in- number 22, 23 & 24 (guards 16, 17 & 18, 19, 20 & 21 were killed beforehand*   
Guard 22: Time to die-urgh! *dead*   
Guard 23: Literally in your-agh! *dead*   
Guard 24: Sense-ooh! *dead*   
Soldier: *walks to the open door, checks to see the coast is clear- which it is* Thanks for the help! *runs out*   
Snake: *runs after her* WAIT! *thoughts: godamn, what a great ass* WHO ARE YOU? 

*flashback*   
Liquid: YOU FOOL! You killed him before I could finish his blow, dry & rinse!   
Ocelot: I'm sorry sir.   
Mantis: *in Darth Vader voice* The force was too strong in this one, I couldn't dive into his mind   
Liquid: Now we'll never get the detonation code! Nor will he pride himself as being the hostage with the best hairstyle!   
Mantis: Master, I have a cunning plan that might interest you   
Ocelot: Please! You're useless! And that force thing! Pah-agh!-ack! *choking*   
Mantis: I find your lack of faith disturbing, Ocelot   
Liquid: Stop it Mantis!   
Mantis: *stops choking Ocelot*   
Ocelot: *coughs* urgh!   
Liquid: What's the plan?   
*end flashback* 

Soldier: *runs into lift, turns around and shoots at Snake*   
Snake: Ah crap! *leaps to the side of the door for cover* damn! How many times does she need to fire?   
Soldier: *poses* YEAH! Nobody can stop me! *elevator doors close*   
Snake: Damn! Who does she think she is? Jacky Bryant?   
*Psycho Mantis appears in front of the elevator*   
Snake: What the-?   
Mantis: Good girl, the force is strong within her *disappears*   
Snake: what the hell was that? *makes a Codec call* 

Snake: Naomi, what's up with the nanomachines? I had a strange hallucination.   
Naomi: The nanomachines are working perfectly- it must be psychometric interference from Psycho Mantis   
Snake: Ah, so that was Mantis, next to the dude in the gas mask   
Naomi: No, Mantis IS the dude in the gas mask   
Snake: Then who's the giant green insect?   
Naomi: Oh sorry, one of the nano's has malfunctioned *disables it*   
Snake: Ah, much better *ends call* hmm, better save here too. *calls Mei-Ling* 

Mei-Ling: Ah, Massa Snake, you want to save?   
Snake: Duh! Of course!   
Mei-Ling: Ok, oh, and, remember what the 12-year old Chinese prophet, Wai Tu Yung said, 'I wanna Furby for Christmas'- which means, don't be greedy for items or it'll be your downfall *ends call* 

Snake: Gotta check on Master too *calls Master* 

Master: (Liquid's voice) Oh Snake! *cough* (Master's voice) Snake! Are you ok?   
Snake: Yeah, came through without a scratch.   
Master: Good boy, looks like I taught you well   
Snake: Indeed you did, remember at graduation where we-   
Master: Erm, best not think about that right now- go find Baker quick!   
Snake: Ok McDonell ;) *ends call* 

Snake: Hmm, wonder if this card really works? *takes the card out and walks towards the door leading back to the cells. They open automatically and Snake walks in* cool ^_^ *walks back out* Now- 2nd floor basement *presses the button on the elevator*   
Elevator: Ding! *doors open*   
Snake: *walks in and presses the B2 button*   
Johnny: Oh, my head- huh? Where did my clothes go?   
*elevator doors close and take Snake to the 2nd floor basement*   
Snake: Hmm, well, I'm here- though I wonder what these containers are? *runs down a passageway, then hears a click* Huh? Whoa! *jumps aside and looks down as a hidden trapdoor opens up* Phew! Close one! *walks in front of the containers* hey, C4 room *takes out his Level 1 card, enters the room and picks up the C4 crates* Nice one! Though, how to use them? *calls Nastasha* 

Nastasha: Nuclear weapons suck ass, they're unfair and harm people really bad-   
Snake: Hey, I didn't hear you to moan about that   
Nastasha: Oh? Well, what do you want to know?   
Snake: well, #heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyy, hey baby! HOO, HAA! I wanna knoooo-ohhhh-oh-oh-oh, what this C4 does#   
Nastasha: The C4 is a plastic explosive device- you stick it up on the walls by walking in front of them and pressing Square, then, detonate with Circle, though make sure you're at a considerable distance first though, or you'll be blown up too.   
Snake: Ah, I see….O_o *ends call* 

Snake: Wonder how many containers this card works on *goes up to each container with the card* Ok, that's 3 that don't work, 2 that do, and one that's already open- and I find myself the proud owner of….8/12 grenades, 4/4 C4's and a fully-loaded Socom! *sniffs armpits* YUS! *spots an oddly coloured wall in the bottom left-hand corner* O_o? must be that cemented wall the Chief mentioned *sticks some C4 to it and walks back to a safe distance* 1-2-3-KABOOM! *wall blows up and reveals an entrance* Nice one! *walks through the entrance down a long corridor* 

Snake: Sure is dark in here…aha! *spots another wall near the bottom right-hand corner * Another one *blows it up with the C4* another corridor -_- *walks to the end of the second corridor* hey! Two entrances cemented over! Hmm…well, when in Rome *sticks C4 to the wall right at the bottom of the corridor, and the one nearest to it, and blows them both in*   
Snake: *looks around* Huh? Who's the old man strapped up? *walks in towards him* heeheehee, he looks like Winston Churchill! 'We shall fight in the hills, we shall fight in the valley's, we shall never surrender! Dig for victory!' *gives the 'V-for-Victory' sign*   
Old Man: *groans*   
Snake: hey, he's alive. Hmm…you must be President Baker! Don't worry, I'll get you out! *reaches towards the wire*   
Baker: No! Don't touch it!   
Snake: *looks around* Hey! More C4! *reaches for it, but then a shot is fired at his legs and he jumps back dramatically*   
Ocelot: *in cowboy accent* Yeah boy! Touch that wyah, and da C4 will blow up a-long with the ol' man. Ah've been waiting fo' you…uh…   
Snake: I'm Solid Snake, who the hell are you?   
Ocelot: Sheriff of Tombstone, Arizona- I mean, Special Operations FOX-HOUND *spins his handgun around* Revolver Ocelot.   
Snake: Ah, I heard of you, you're that Russian bloke who thinks he's a cowboy!   
Ocelot: I AM A COWBOY! *spins his gun around and shows it to Snake* This is the greatest handgun ever made! *looks at it and realises he's holding a Super Soaker* Uh, erm *throws it away and takes out his handgun* **THIS** is the _real _greatest handgun ever made! The Colt Single Action Army! *loads his Colt* 6 bullets- more then enough to kill anything that moves!   
Snake: Unless there's 10 moving things that you need to kill.   
Ocelot: Shut up and draw!   
Snake: *takes out his Socom*   
Ocelot: *fires at Snake*   
Snake: *leaps out of the way and shoots back at Ocelot*   
Ocelot: Ha! #Missed me! Missed me! Now ya gotta kiss me!#   
Snake: No chance in hell! *codec call* Oh great! Ocelot! Would you mind waiting a bit? Gotta take this call   
Ocelot: Oh, no problem boy!   
Snake: Thanks *takes the call* 

Snake: COLONEL! Couldn't you have waited until after I've finished Ocelot?   
Campbell: Sorry, but I had to call- gotta inform you on how to run after Ocelot and shoot at the same time   
Snake: I know that- hold Square & X together, right?   
Campbell: Yes, sorry for keeping you.   
Snake: It's ok *ends call* 

Ocelot: Can we start now?   
Snake: Yeah! Let's go! *runs after Ocelot, with gun aimed*   
Ocelot: *runs away from Snake, shooting all 6 bullets at him*   
Snake: Whoa! *bends back and dodges the bullet's _Matrix_ style*   
Ocelot: Huh? _The Matrix_ has got another year to be made yet! This is only 1998!   
Snake: Whatever *shoots Ocelot*   
Ocelot: Agh! *runs off to reload* Y'know, I love to reload during a battle, nothing like slamming a silver bullet into a well-greased chamber   
Snake: Oh, don't I know it? ^_^ erm, *ahem* I mean, shut up you jerk!   
Ocelot: Alright! I'm alive again! Let's go! *shoots at Snake*   
Snake: Ow! *shoots Ocelot*   
Ocelot: Ooh! *shoots back at Snake*   
Snake: Agh! *eats a ration, then shoots back at Ocelot*   
Ocelot: Ouch!   
Baker: Is this going to go on any longer? I don't feel very well!   
Snake: you're right, gotta end this quick! *unloads his bullets on Ocelot*   
Ocelot: urgh-urgh-ARGH!   
Snake: Yes! Killed him! Oh, sweet adrenaline rush! How I missed thee! *dances around like a nutter* #I killed someone! I killed someone!#   
Ocelot: I ain't dead yet! You're pretty good for a man who shares the same code as the boss, though I'm just getting warmed up! Now die! *aims at Snake, but then feels a cold swish through his hand* what? AGH! MY HAND! *his hand falls to the ground, leaving his arm bleeding*   
*mysterious swishing cuts all the wires and takes Baker down to safety- throwing Ocelot into the wall*   
Ocelot: *spots a shimmering, that suddenly pops up into a bloke in a robotic suit* Therm-Optics! I mean-Stealth Camouflage! Can't you even die right?! *picks up his hand* You were lucky! We'll meet again! *runs off into the darkness*   
Snake: *aims his Socom at the guy in the suit* who are you Ninja-boy? Ryu Hayabusa? Yoshimitsu? Kunimitsu? Daniel-san? Geki? Ibuki? Some bloke from Samurai Showdown in flashy gear?   
Ninja: I'm like you, I have no name   
Snake: Huh? I have a name! It's Dav-   
Baker: urgh! That exoskeleton! It's all shiny and it's hurting my eyes.   
Ninja: O_o?-BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! *heads shakes wildly* GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!! *disappears*   
Snake: well, bugger me senseless!   
Baker: Hello? …I need some help!   
Snake: *helps Baker up* can you walk?   
Baker: With my cane, yes, but not very far…   
Snake: Why's that?   
Baker: That Ocelot-person broke my Zimmer frame   
Snake: Do the terrorists have your code?   
Baker: What? I'm a bit deaf…   
Snake: ANSWER MY QUESTION! DO THE TERRORISTS HAVE YOUR CODE?   
Baker: No! they don't have my comb! I don't have a comb! I'm bald! Can't you see that?   
Snake: Agh! I mean, do they have your password?!   
Baker: Yes, I'm afraid so   
Snake: NICE GOING YOU OLD FART!!! NOW THEY HAVE BOTH CODES AND CAN TURN THIS EARTH INTO A SMOULDERING FIERY MESS THANKS TO YOU!!!!   
Baker: It's not like I didn't fight! I resisted Mantis's mind probe.   
Snake: How did you do that?   
Baker: I thought about Jenny McCarthy naked whilst he was probing my mind.   
Snake: Oh yeah, that would keep anyone occupied for sure. Did the Darpa chief do the same thing?   
Baker: More or less, though I think he's more of a Halle Berry fan   
Snake: But he said that Mantis got his password by reading his mind.   
Baker: Hmm, guess it didn't work then.   
Snake: But how did they get your password then?   
Baker: Look at my arm! It's broken! That Ocelot freak tortured me!   
Snake: I see, anyway, the terrorists have both codes and could launch anytime   
Baker: Those boys are insane. They wouldn't hesitate to launch   
Snake: Guess so, but anyway, do you have the card keys?   
Baker: the what?   
Snake: Card keys! Card keys! The Darpa Chief said you had them!   
Baker: How is the Darpa Chief?   
Snake: He's dead   
Baker: *leaping up* WHAT?! THAT CAN'T BE! *starts thrashing Snake with his cane* THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU PROMISED JIM! NOW YOU WANNA SHUT ME UP?!   
Snake: agh!-stop it!-ooh!-I told you-agh!-that I was-oof!-here to-ouch!-save you!   
Baker: …*slumps back down*   
Snake: *getting up* agh man! I didn't kill him! He had a kind of heart attack   
Baker: Dumbass, that's stupid!   
Snake: Anyway, the terrorists have both codes and can launch anytime.   
Baker: Those boys are insane. They wouldn't hesitate to launch.   
Snake: Guess so, but anyway, do you have the card keys?   
Baker: the what?   
Snake: Card keys! Card keys! The Darpa Chief said you had them!   
Baker: …have you noticed that we've said the same things as earlier?   
Snake: STOP SCREWING WITH ME! WHERE ARE THE CARD KEYS?!?!   
Baker: I don't have them   
Snake: WHAT?! WHO DOES?! NOT THE TERRORISTS!   
Baker: No! a young female soldier- she was locked up with me, and I gave her the keys for safekeeping   
Snake: Really?   
Baker: …no, she stole them from he after some hot se-   
Snake: -I get the picture!   
Baker: I was in contact with her by Codec-I think she still has them, I hope she's ok- that way I could get some more nookie   
Snake: I'm sure she's safe- she's green, but as tough as they come.   
Baker: She wasn't green, she's white, with red hair- after all, no other race grows differently coloured hair naturally   
Snake: That maybe true...probably, but I meant green as in 'inexperienced', 'rookie', 'beginner', 'novice', 'amateur', et cetera   
Baker: Depends in what subject ;)   
Snake: Oh God *face in palm* Do you have her code?   
Baker: No, I forgot it cos I was busy watching you shoot at Ocelot   
Snake: Damn!   
Baker: Wait, it should be on the back of the CD case   
Snake: Right, the CD case! *thoughts: senile old fart* Anyway, why were you making a nuclear weapon? I thought the nuclear age ended at the turn of the Millennium   
Baker: Please! It's bigger then it's ever been! Have you ever seen a warehouse full of nuclear material?   
Snake: …no, they never had that ride at Disneyland.   
Baker: There's drums and drums of nuclear waste, stacked this high, cos there's no real way to get rid of the stuff- not even by selling the drums to fast-food restaurants as new flavoured sauces and drinks   
Snake: So they close the lid and pretend that it'll go away?   
Baker: Essentially, yes, and that's not the only problem- several pounds of MUF are reported missing each year   
Snake: What? There's prostitution involved in nuclear weapons?   
Baker: No! M-U-F, it stands for 'material unaccounted for', meaning that there's a strong black market selling the shit- and there's billions of nuclear scientists, ousted after the end of the Cold War, with nowhere to turn.   
Snake: or to be more precise, a glowing-green market   
Baker: Hah! You're a funny man-NOT! Anyway's, there's enough resources for any small country to have a nuclear weapons program.   
Snake: And what about the other superpowers?   
Baker: It's still reported that gamma rays make you grow larger, have green skin and hair, and grow angrier, not to mention spiders exposed to radiation giving people spider-like powers.   
Snake: Unbelievable! Do you have any of those spiders on you?   
Baker: I have spiders on me? AGGH! GET 'EM OFF! GET 'EM OFF!   
Snake: No, no, I meant- just forget it!   
Baker: Ok, anyway, I'd best give you some stuff now   
Snake: ah good- anything like a sniper rifle? Bazooka? Missile launcher? Etc   
Baker: Here, have this level 2 card- it'll open up all level 2 doors   
Snake: Oh, hoo-ray! -_-   
Baker: Oh, and take this *hands Snake a disc*- it's Metal Gear's test data. The main hard drive was destroyed by gunfire, this is the only remaining copy   
Snake: Is this the CD case with the lady soldier's codec frequency on it?   
Baker: Of course not you idiot! Don't play dumb! I know you were sent to get this!   
Snake: O….k *takes the card and the disc* can you walk?   
Baker: No, I lost all feeling in my legs a few minutes ago- you go on without me   
Snake: Ok, by the way- what the hell was that Ninja thing? It seemed like you knew something.   
Baker: That ninja? That was FOX-HOUND's dark little secret, though you should ask Doctor Naomi Hunter about that- she knows more about it then I.   
Snake: Don't worry, I will. Anyway, I gotta skedaddle pronto- be seeing ya   
Baker: Huh? Wai-AAGH!…WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?   
Snake: I didn't do anything!   
Baker: OOOUGH NO! THOSE PENTAGON BASTARDS! THEY ACTUALLY WENT AND…DID…IT!   
Snake: What are you talking about?   
Baker: THEY'RE JUST USING YOU FOR-UUURGGGHHHH!!! *slumps forward, dead*   
Snake: NOT ANOTHER ONE! *codec call* 

Snake: DID YOU SEE THIS?! NOW HE'S DEAD TOO!   
Campbell: Oh dear, I wonder what could've happened?   
Snake: DON'T LIE TO ME!!   
Naomi: It looked like another heart attack, but I can't tell without doing a full autopsy   
Snake: DAMN!!!   
Campbell: Snake, you gotta call Meryl- I think she's that female soldier   
Snake: No shit? Really? But can I trust her?   
Campbell: More then you can trust me   
Snake: I'd trust a shifty guy in a brown trench coat more then you Colonel   
Mei-Ling: Massa Snake!   
Snake: what?!   
Mei-Ling: There is too much interference in that place, you must leave that area, your life is in danger   
Snake: …no it isn't   
Mei-Ling: That is true, I was just trying to make you move   
Snake: I see- Oh, Naomi, what the hell was that Ninja thing? A member of FOX-HOUND?   
Naomi: No   
Snake: You sure?   
Naomi: I'm sure, we have no one like that in our unit   
Campbell: Snake, just get a move on and call Meryl, Ok? *ends call* 

Snake: Boy, way to send me up the creek without a paddle   
Baker: *lifts head up* Oh, and you better find Doctor Hal Emmerich- he should know how to destroy Metal…Gear…if…you…can't…over…ride-eh! *slumps back forward, dead again*   
Snake: Well, least I know who to call now, and who to find as well. 

**_End of Chapter 1_**   
*Insert Chapter 2- press Start after inserting Chapter 2…ok, not really*   



	2. On The Way To Otacon

**_Metal Gear Solid: The Humorous Walkthrough._**   
**_By Tekkenicus_**

Disclaimer: Metal Gear Solid is a trademark of Konami, so unless I end up owning the company due to a strange twist of fate, it ain't mine. 

**Chapter 2: On The Way To Otacon.**

(Snake returns to the main Armory, now with guards 25, 26 & 27) 

Snake: Shit! Guards!   
Guard 25: O_o? huh? what was that noise?   
Snake: Uh-oh *runs down to the bottom-left container and enters it* Hmm? 3 packages, but with some strange lines on the ground, best make a call *codec call* 

Campbell: Snake, that room is set with infra-red sensors- if you touch them, you'll alert the guards and they'll pop a cap on your ass   
Snake: Comprende?   
Campbell: They'll shoot you   
Snake: ...that could mean so many things   
Campbell: THEY'LL KICK YOUR ASS!   
Snake: Oh, well, can't leave here at the mo until I find a clear route   
Naomi: Maybe if you used your thermal goggles, you could see where the beams from the sensors were   
Master: (cutting in) I have a better idea- why don't you use your Thermal Goggles? that way you could see where the beams from the sensors are   
Snake: Ah Master, you are so insightful ^_^ I'll take your advice   
Master: *evil voice* excellent- I mean *Miller voice* Excellent   
Naomi: hey! I said that!   
Snake: Stop trying to take Master's glory Naomi! >: (   
Master: She's a mean woman alright   
Naomi: >: () *end call* 

Snake: *puts on his thermal goggles* Bingo! able to crawl under them easily! *crawls under the beams and obtains a Famas, with ammo* there, finished *gets up, right in the middle of the beams _I advise that you crawl away from the beams, being the smart person that you are...maybe-Tekk>_*   
*siren*   
Guard 26: What the-? SOMEONE'S IN THE FAMAS ROOM!!!   
Guard 25: I thought it was the PSG1 room!   
Guard 27: You're both wrong! It's the Nikita room!   
Guard 26: There aren't any sensors in the Nikita room!   
Guard 27: There should be!   
Guard 25: You dumbasses!   
Snake: *sneaks out of the room, head for the elevator while they're looking away and heads for the Tank Hangar* phew! jeez! what IS up with these guards? Anyway, how to call Meryl?...*codec call* *sighs* back to the codec I go. 

Meryl: Who are you?   
Snake: What do you mean 'who am I'? you called me!   
Meryl: Well, there's no other way on how you're gonna find my frequency!   
Snake: Guess so, anyway, I was really impressed on the way you busted yourself out of the cell   
Meryl: The one from the prison?   
Snake: You _ARE_ the Colonel's niece, Meryl, right?   
Meryl: How do you know my uncle?   
Snake: Well, it was a summer's day at Sneaking School, I just got back from swimming lessons when he started up the 'retrieve a rubber brick from the bottom of the pool in your pyjamas' mission, and-   
Meryl: I get the picture. Just exactly who are you?   
Snake: I'm Davi-   
Meryl: AH-HA! Are you Snake? _The_ Solid Snake   
Snake: I guess you can call me that   
Meryl: _The Legendary Solid Snake_, you? *whips off her balaclava* sorry about before, I wasn't sure if you were one of the good guys   
Snake: Well I knew you were   
Meryl: How could you tell?   
Snake: It's your eyes...   
Meryl: They're rookie's eyes, right?   
Snake: No, well...yeah, but I was gonna say beautiful and compassionate eyes   
Meryl: ...are you trying to chat me up?   
Snake: Maybe, though the real me is no match for the legend I'm afraid   
Meryl: Yeah, right! I bet you rock!   
Snake: well...I have my own .45 calibre pistol to show you later ;)   
Mei-Ling: You ho! >;(   
Snake: ?   
Meryl: Who was that?   
Snake: No idea *ahem* anyway, how did you get here?   
Meryl: Well, they needed some extra troops here before the revolt, but then we got mullered by the revolutionaries, and I got thrown in prison for beating up a guard   
Snake: That Johnny guy?   
Meryl: No, his brother, Biff   
Snake: Oh, anyway, do you have the card keys from Baker?   
Meryl: Yep   
Snake: I'm surprised that you managed to hide them from the guards   
Meryl: Well, these guards are pretty shy to strip-search 'everywhere' on a woman- they didn't even check my cleavage for one   
Snake: Hmm, a whole lotta people would definitely wanna see you hide those keys over a webcam   
Meryl: What does THAT mean?!   
Snake: er...nothing.   
Meryl: Anyway, how's Baker hanging?   
Snake: He's dead- heart attack- same as the Darpa Chief   
Meryl: WHAT?! aww damn! cos for hostages, they were pretty well hu-   
Snake: O_o   
Meryl: Ah, forget it.   
Snake: Do you know where they might be keeping Dr Emmerich?   
Meryl: Somewhere on the 2nd floor basement of the Nuclear Storage Building I think, that's where his lab is.   
Snake: I see, how do I get there?   
Meryl: You have to go through the Tank Hangar's cargo doors, complete with infra-red sensors that, if you trip them, will seal off all exits and release poison gas into the room, then up the mine-infested canyon, into the Nuclear Storage building, where if you're caught, more gas is released- the sentries are safe because they have gas masks, then take the elevator from there. Simple as that!   
Snake: o_o;;;;;;;;;;; er, what's the number of those cargo doors?   
Meryl: 5, but don't worry, I have a Level 5 card- I'll open them up for ya   
Snake: Thanks- anyway, I gotta head off now, you find a place to hide- I heard its really sunny in Cancun or Acapulco round this time of year   
Meryl: I'm going with you!   
Snake: Tough tittie! you ain't! You're too green!   
Meryl: I am not!   
Snake: Yes you are! you're as green as the grass grows, as green as the leaves sprout, and various other vegetables and plants and weeds and things   
Campbell: Anemone or Clematis juice can cause a rash   
Meryl: UNKY ROY!!!!!!   
Campbell: ICKLE MEWUL!!!!   
Snake: Hey! save the reunion stuff for later! I've got a mission to fulfil!   
Meryl: I'm sorry Snake   
Campbell: Me too Snake   
Snake: You pause for one second in front of the enemy and you're finished! Good luck doesn't last forever!   
Meryl: I don't know why I couldn't shoot at first- I've done all the VR training, and passed all the missions- I even completed Metal Gear Solid: VR Missions/Integral! But then, I thought about my bullets piercing through those soldiers bodies and their fluids spilling on the floor- kinda reminds me of this dirty story I once read about some sexy videogame characters.   
Snake: Shooting at targets and shooting at living, breathing people are different. Unfortunately, killing is one of those things that get easier the more you do it- I should know, accidentally held a traffic warden hostage when he tried to put a ticket on my car   
Meryl: You accepted a ticket?   
Snake: Hell no! I knocked him out and dumped his unconscious ass on a park bench, roughed his clothes up a bit and gave him a newspaper blanket   
Meryl: You turned him into a Big Issue seller?   
Snake: Right   
Meryl: You're a real bastard!   
Snake: Well, I did say that the real me was no match for the legend   
Meryl: *chuckles*   
Snake: *chuckles back*   
Meryl: Ok, ok, I'll let you go on ahead, me being the good girl that I am- I'll call you when I've opened the doors, ok? Also, my frequency is 140.15- don't forget it.   
Snake: Ok, see ya   
Meryl: Bye *puts on her balaclava**ends call* 

*elevator doors open at the Tank Hangar*   
Snake: Ok, now to *codec call* answer this call -_- 

Meryl: *takes off her balaclava* Snake, I've unlocked the cargo doors for you   
Snake: Great job! where are you?   
Meryl: Where-I-can-see-ya! *nyah!*   
Snake: Don't move around too much, or you'll be spotted   
Meryl: Don't worry- I'm disguised in this enemy uniform *puts her balaclava on*   
Snake: Not for long if you keep swinging your ass while you walk   
Meryl: Huh?   
Snake: Er, nevermind   
Meryl: Ok, so we'll meet up at the Nuclear Storage Building   
Snake: HEY! YOU SAID YOU'D STAY PUT AND BE A GOOD GIRL!!   
Meryl: I've changed my mind!   
Snake: Don't get careless! that's when things get sour!   
Meryl: Sorry Mullet-man, but this is the only way I can find out if I'm cut to being a soldier   
Snake: These guys are professionals! you're gonna get yourself killed!   
Guard: *butts in on his own codec* whyyyyy hellllllooooo Sholid Shnake! I'm the maaaagical man from Shushex! weeeeee!   
Snake: ....I'll meet you at the Nuclear Storage Building   
Meryl: ^_^ *ends call* 

*cargo doors open up*   
Snake: Hmm, gonna need some items though *looks around* door number 2-level 2 card.....number 2, card 2.....number 2, card 2.....*makes a codec call* 

Snake: Naomi, will my level 2 card open that door with the 2?   
Naomi: Of course Snake   
Snake: Ok, just checking *ends call* 

Snake: *rushes over to the door with the 2 on _bottom floor, upper right hand corner-nearest cargo doors>_* Oh damn, a guard!   
Guard 28: zzzzzzzzzz   
Snake: ah good, he's asleep *walks carefully over to the box near the guard and picks it up* Socom Suppressor eh? be able to kill guards without alerting anyone...*looks evilly at the sleeping guard*   
Guard 28: *sucking his thumb* no, I don't wanna go to school today Mommy! I wanna watch cartoons!   
Snake: Nah, not worth it *walks out from the room, then hides to the side of the nearest pillar*   
Guard 8 (the one walking around the spare M1 tank) I still wish we had some music going on still :(   
Snake: (quietly) awwww   
Guard 8: *walks up the right-hand side of the tank*   
Snake: *sneaks up behind him*   
Guard 8: ...I've got the feeling that I'm being wa-urggh! *falls to the ground, dead*   
Snake: *twirls his Socom around* hehehe, easy pickings *goes up into the top left-hand corner to pick up Socom ammo, then up the stairs, dodging the camera _in the same way from Chapter 1_>, then across the platform, up against the side of the wall separating upper door 4 and upper door 2*   
Guard 9 (the one who was walking around the M1 Tank being assembled): hey, where'd number 8 go?   
Voice on Intercom: EY! BATTYBOY! GET BACK TO YOUR POSITION, AIIGHT?!   
Guard 9: *gets back to his patrol route, getting close to Snake*   
Snake: *equips Socom* and now for dead guard number....oh, I've lost count!   
Guard 9: *turns his back on Snake* ah, what a view! wish I was outside tho-AGH!   
Snake: heh *waits for the surveillance camera to turn away, then runs into the other door, full of computers, and the Mine Detector* hmm? *looks closely at one*   
Website: 'These Girls Will Do ANYTHING!'   
Snake: ...-_- I think I'll just take the Mine Detector *picks up the Mine Detector, then leaves the room and across the platform, dodging the surveillance camera's, via their blind spots and pass the cargo doors in front of the first infra-red beam* these must be the beams the Colonel and Meryl were talking about *codec call* ...I think I'm getting used to these frequent calls 

Meryl: *takes off her balaclava* watch out Snake, that room has infra-red beams coming out from the walls. You probably can't see them with your naked eyes, but they're there.   
Snake: I know, you told me about them earlier, remember?   
Meryl: Oh yeah....who are you again?   
Snake: Solid Snake   
Meryl: _The Legendary Solid Snake???_   
Snake: graagh! *ends call* 

Snake: *puts his thermal goggles on* ah crap! they're all going at different speeds!...feel giddy...must save game...*calls Mei-Ling* 

Snake: Yo! save mah game biatch!   
Mei-Ling: Hah! I think not! you killed my father! prepare to die! *ends call* 

Snake: day-amn! guess I'll have to take it a couple of steps at a time *watches the first beam, walks under it* phew! there goes beam number 1, now beam number 2...damn it's fast! *runs under it* phew! beam 3 *runs under* beam 4 *runs under* beam fi-   
Vulcan Raven: *in tank* get-on-with-it!   
Ocelot: *near his torture machine* yes! get on with it!   
The Soldiers in Communications Tower A: YES! GET ON WITH IT!   
Snake: hey! this is a very delicate procedure here! one wrong move, and I'm toast!   
Liquid: *from wherever he's hiding out* get on with it! dear brother!   
Snake: Ok, ok! *exits through the opposite cargo doors into the snowy canyon, walks across beside the small rocky mounds to the left when- guess what?-another codec call* 

Deepthroat: S'up nigga? dere be Claymo' mines round dere, use a Mine Detector!   
Snake: Who are you? and why do you sound like the Darpa Chief?   
Deepthroat: Jus' call me....'Deepthroat'.   
Snake: ...why? you like the taste of-   
Deepthroat: shut up bitch!   
Snake: Anyway, you don't seem to be using burst transmission, are you nearby?   
Deepthroat: Shut up man! dere's a tank waitin' to ambush yo' ass and make it extra-crispy!   
Snake: Who the hell are you anyway?   
Deepthroat: One of your fans! *ends call* 

Snake: A fan of mine called Deepthroat- now I've seen everything! *equips Mine Detector, walks around to between the rocky mounds on the left, then head forwards when....* 

*M1 Tank drives out in front of him*   
Vulcan Raven (Raven): This-Is-Raven's-Ter-rit-tor-ree! Sn-akes-don't-be-long-in-A-las-ska! I-will-not-let-you-pass   
Snake: *mocking* oh-no, I'm-going-to-be-blown-up-by-a-slow-talking-berk! buh-oo-hoo-hoo!   
*tank turret turns, main gun barrel aiming at Snake*   
Raven: send-him-a-message   
*gun fires a piece of paper at Snake, Snake looks at it*   
Snake: 'are you free for tomorrow night?'   
Raven: &*^&! I meant, fire-a-shell-at-his-ass!   
*tank fires a couple of shells at Snake, Snake leaps out of the way, back between the rocky mounds*   
Raven: ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haa! Serves-you-right-for-making-fun-of-my-speech! *gets back in the tank*   
Snake: *glaring*   
Raven: COME! LET'S FIGHT!   
Snake: hmph- easy pickings *throws chaff grenade out first* Ok.......*looks from behind his rock, see's the Tank, doing nothing*....hmm.....*twiddles thumbs*....*looks out from behind his mound at the Tank* 

(inside the Tank)   
Raven: what-can-he-be-way-ting-for?   
Guard 29: I dunno Vulcan- shall I look up out on the hatch for him?   
Raven: hmm, I-don't-know. I-kinda-want-guard-30-up-there-first   
Guard 30: why me?!   
Raven: Because-you-are-feeling-up-my-leg   
Guard 30: I am? I thought that was the hand brake   
Raven: grrr, I-am-sur-round-ded-by-im-beh-ciles! 

(back with Snake)   
*chaff grenade explodes*   
Snake: Finally! *equips regular grenades and runs towards the tank* 

Raven: There-he-is! fire-the-main-gun!   
Guard 29: I can't! the radar on him isn't working!   
Guard 30: I'll go up and get him with the machineguns!   
Raven: .....you-do-that -_- Driver! try-and-run-over-him-by-driving-in-a-frustrating-way   
Driver: Aye aye capt'n! 

Guard 30: aha! Time to die Snake!   
Snake: You die you a-hole! *throws grenade into the hatch near Guard 30*   
Guard 30: NYAAAAAAHHHH!!!! *blasts a fire of bullets at Snake*   
Snake: *dodges them* ha ha! you missed me! *gets knocked down by the tank* agh! crap!   
Guard 30: hahahaha-URGH! *blown out of the hatch by the grenade*   
Snake: Yes! I win! I win! *does a dance of victory* that's the way, uh-huh uh huh! I like it! uh-huh uh-huh!   
Guard 29: see how you like this! ...uh-huh uh-huh! *blasts a fire of bullets at Snake*   
Snake: *dodges them, throws grenades into the hatch again* eat fragmentation grenade you jerk!   
Guard 29: Kiss my-AAAAAAGHHHHHH! *tank turret blows up, throwing guard 29 out onto a snowdrift*   
Snake: *drags guard 30 next to him* hmmm *takes a card from Guard 29's pocket* level 3 eh? I'm heading up in the world...*places guard 29's hand on guard 30's 'hiney'* heeheehee! ^_^ *heads towards the cargo entrance of the Nuclear Warhead Storage building* 

Raven: *coming out from the defunct tank's hatch* well-boss, I-hope-you-are-hap-pee, he-got-the-card   
Liquid: My advertising card for Liquid's Hairdressers?   
Raven: No, the-card-that-opens-up-the-stor-ridge-bill-ding   
Liquid: Oh, what did you think of him?   
Raven: He-is-just-as-you-said, In-bat-ul-he-is-as-if-po-sessed-by-a-dee-mon   
Ocelot: He may be gone now, but I _will_ kill him!   
Raven: So, Gen-ner-ral-I-van, I-heard-he-took-your-mas-tur-bay-ting-tool-as-well-as-your-dig-nit-tee   
Ocelot: Hey! watch your tongue you oversized prick! I've no idea why I helped you into FOX-HOUND now!   
Raven: hurhurhurhurhur   
Liquid: Don't kill him yet- we'll have some more fun with him   
Raven: He-and-I-will-meet-a-gen   
Ocelot: Same prediction as always buttmunch?   
Raven: Yes, the-ray-ven-on-my-head...it-thirsts-for-his-blood!!!   
Mantis: *Darth Vader voice* The force is strong within you   
Raven: shut-up-you-weed! 

(in the NSB)   
Snake: More people dead! Joy of battle! Oh yes! Ok, back to work now *ahem* *walks up steps and all the way down the platform to the greeny-yellow window-checking the place out with his scope* hmm, guard on the upper platform near the elevator- another one walking around the perimeter of the floor, and another walking around a truck- with a surveillance camera nearby, but not pointing towards the entrance- easy pickings! *de-equips scope and runs back across the platform, down the steps and towards the main entrance*   
Snake: Ah crap! I have to crawl under here? grr >: ( *flattens front-down on the floor and crawls underneath the door* oh damn! there's the guard from the perimeter *crawls back under until the guard has passed*   
Guard 31: *the one Snake is avoiding* *humming 'The Birdie Song'* nummanummanumma-nah, nummanummanumma-nah, nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh, nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh, nummanummanumma-nah, nummanummanumma-nah, nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh, nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh   
Snake: damn, I'm gonna have that song going through my head all throughout the mission now! *crawls under the door when the guard isn't looking* there, easy as-*codec call* oh great! 

Campbell: Snake, you must not use any weapons in there!   
Naomi: Chill Colonel! I made the nanomachines in his body prevent him from doing so   
Snake: WHAT?!? how can I fight without them?!   
Naomi: well, only for that floor- can't you see where you are?   
Snake: Nuclear Warhead Storage Building- can't see anything wrong with that   
Naomi: NUCLEAR WARHEAD Storage Building! can't you see that?   
Snake: ...oh crap!   
Campbell: They're all dismantled though- with their detonation devices removed   
Snake: No problem then- let me use my weapons!   
Naomi: They might be leaking plutonium though, and THAT could cause problems   
Campbell: So DON'T use your weapons on that floor! *ends call* 

Snake: great! *runs to the far left of the floor and into the bottom left-hand corner- picking up the grenade pack, and then hiding in the shadows* now to wait for that guard on the perimeter...I think, could just run up the-*spots the guard coming back along the upper platform*-ok, I can't just now -_-   
Guard 32: *walking around the truck* I hate this patrol route! 31!   
Guard 31: Yes?   
Guard 32: You wanna switch routes?   
Guard 31: Ok *takes 32's route*   
Guard 32: Thanks *takes 31's route* ah finally, a much better route *walks past the hidden Snake*   
Snake: O_o *walks up the stairs carefully* uh-oh, another genome!   
Guard 33: hmm? *shrugs and walks back along the platform*   
Snake: *creeping carefully behind him*   
Guard 33: I have the strange feeling that I'm being followed...*shrugs and walks past the elevator*   
Snake: ha! loser! *presses the elevator button numerous times*   
Elevator: *ding!* (doors open)   
Snake: *walks in and chooses floor B1* *codec call* 

Meryl: *taking off balaclava* It's floor B2 Snake! not B1!   
Snake: I know, I'm just checking around this floor for some 'items'   
Meryl: *shakes head, puts her balaclava back on* *ends call* 

*elevator doors open at the 1st floor basement*   
Snake: *runs into the Level 3 door, into the centre of the room-picking up the Socom ammo, then crawling under the computer table, obtaining Famas ammo*   
Computers: *sounds of orgasmic female groanings and moanings*   
Snake: mmm, babeh! ^_^   
Guard 35: *walks past Snake's hiding place*   
Snake: eyah! *runs out from hiding place, into the room- picking up the Nikita launcher and missiles- then hides under the desk in the room* easy pickings!   
Guard 35: Hey! I object to this moment! this is getting boring here!   
Guard 34: *walks in, zipping up fly* yeah! all I'm doing is pissing in the sink!   
Guard 35: you're supposed to piss in the urinal! you dumbass!   
Mantis: *in commander's room* GET ON WITH IT!   
Guard 35: *sighs and goes back on his patrol route*   
Guard 34: *runs back to the toilets*   
Snake: bunch'a losers! *runs out of the room after Guard 35 passes by*   
Guard 35: I hate this job y'know! **I** should've played the part for Johnny Sasaki! But nooooo! They had to find the _reaaaall_ thing!   
Guard 34: Your turn on the urinals   
Guard 35: *growls*   
Snake: *gets in the elevator and heads for the 2nd floor basement* maybe I should've done this on hard mode...no no! I'm only saying!   
Author: darn! *gets rid of the elevator security camera gag*   
Snake: Thank you!   
*Elevator doors open*   
Snake: *walks out, flattens against right wall and hear's a funny sound* huh?   
Otacon: What was that?   
Snake: Are you Dr Emmerich?   
Otacon: Am I Oscar Merich? what are you talking about?   
Snake: Who's Oscar Merich?   
Otacon: Huh?   
Snake: Just forget it! *leans off the wall and heads through both level 3 doors, stopping in front of the electrified floor* jeez, what's this funny gas? making me light-headed-glaiveng! *codec call* 

Deepthroat: Watch out foo'! dat place be filled wit' gas! also da floor is electrified! First destroy da high voltage switch.   
Snake: How? I can't reach it from here Mr Static Screen-glaiveng   
Deepthroat: Use a remote-controlled missile foo'!   
Snake: Hey, Mr T! *hums the theme to 'The A-Team'*   
Deepthroat: ....*ends call* 

Snake: remote control missile? all I have are these Nikita thingies *fires one* whoa! hey! I can control the missile! *drives it all the way down, then turns it to the left of the screen, then up past the gun camera's, around the table past the other gun camera, to the side of the next gun camera's vision cone, up through the opening, turning right and into the high voltage switch* 

(at a power storage facility in Alaska)   
Employee: Hey! there's been a cut on Shadow Moses!   
Supervisor: Hmm, make a report on it 

Snake: weeee! the floor's going crazy and has stopped fizzing *stumbles out of the gassy hallway and back out from the doors* whoo! *deep breaths* that made me go crazy for a second..urggh- I don't feel too well...gotta be a gas mask somewhere...*calls Meryl* 

Meryl: *takes off balaclava* what's up?   
Snake: D'ya know where a gas mask is?   
Meryl: ....nope *puts on balaclava* *ends call* 

Snake: thanks for helping! guess I'll have to try every door....and choke on the gas -_- ...what's that shimmering?   
Grey Fox (Fox): Oh shit! (runs into the gas-filled hallway)   
Snake: hey! stop right there! *runs after him into the gas room* ah crap- light headed again! must find mask! *checks nearest door, pick up items* no mask...*checks next door, won't open* evil sons of...*check the next door*...oh crap! camera!   
Fox: *slashing a guard* GET ON WITH IT!   
Guard: yeah- urgh!   
Snake: ...that's getting slightly old now...*throws Chaff grenade into the room*..hey, what's that blue bar saying O2 on it? and why is it slowly getting smaller?   
*chaff explodes*   
Camera: *robotic voice* DANGER! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! LOST IN SPACE! *plays the Apollo 4-40 soundtrack to the 'Lost In Space' movie* MATT LEBLANC BIZNITCHES! W00T!   
Snake: *picks up the Gas Mask and leaves the hallway again to regain fresh air* *pants* goddamn! 

FWD >>- *Snake gets info on gas mask from Nastasha, picks up items from the room on the left in the level 3 doors, running past the gun camera's in fast motion, chasing girls with big boobs in skimpy suits to the Benny Hill theme tune, then crawling past the camera near the door with 'Hal's Lab:Keep Out' sprayed on it via the blind spot, then entering the door*....PAUSE **II** ....PLAY **>******

Snake: *takes off gas mask* ah, fresh air, how I miss thee!   
Guard's voice: FREEZE! *splitch* urgh!   
Snake: Huh? *enters through one door, then the next* ah jeez! it's scenes like these that warp children's minds and gets the PTC blaming TV shows! hmm..*looks at the guards, all slashed and bleeding*.they look as if they were cut by some type of blade *codec call* hmm? 

Campbell: No shit Einstein! *ends call* 

Snake: ...well, that was helpful -_- *hears a strange sound close by, sounding like electrified slop-jamming his radar. Walks forward to see a guard staggering*   
Guard 36: i..i...it's a ghost! eh! *falls to the ground and bleeds visceral gore all over the floor*   
Snake: yuck! *picks up ammo when he hears gunfire and a scream* sounds like the time I went crazy at that S Club 7 concert-wish I hit the little fuckers! grr *looks around the corner and see's a guard hovering above a shimmering image, looking as if he's in pain*   
Guard 37: urggh! when I said I'd like a long smooth object in me, this isn't what I imagined *slammed onto the floor* ugh!   
Fox: *appears and spins his sword around- walking through the door*   
Snake: *makes a call* 

Snake: That Ninja...   
Naomi: Bro?   
Snake: That Ninja! from earlier! I'm sure it's him!   
Campbell: Oh crap- Emmerich's in danger! go after him dammit! *ends call* 

Guard 37: *breathing on the floor-teetering between life and death* hey m-m-man! could you fulfil a guy's d-d-dying wish?   
Snake: what?   
Guard 37: ....err....nevermind-ugh! *dies*   
Snake: *blinks and runs after Fox* 

**_End of Chapter 2_**   
*Insert Chapter 3....wait, I already did that joke* 


	3. Chapter 3: Some Long Bo-lo-kuhs with Nin...

**_Metal Gear Solid: The Humorous Walkthrough_**   
**_By Tekkenicus_**

Disclaimer: if you've read the last 2 chapters, then you get the gist of this. 

**Chapter 3: Some Long Bo-lo-kuhs with Ninja, Otacon and a Mr P.Mantis.**

Otacon: *crawling away from the shimmering shape against the wall, whimpering, then wets his pants*   
Fox: *appears* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! YOU WET YOUR PANTS! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!   
Otacon: Hey! Don't make me kick your ass!   
*Snake appears*   
Otacon: what? you want some too Mullet-boy?   
Fox: *turns to face Snake* aha! there you are!   
Snake: So, what's your beef Ninja?   
Fox: I am neither enemy nor friend, even though I removed all obstacles from our path.   
Snake: very nice of you   
Fox: I am back from a world where such words are meaningless-   
Snake: Hmm, you sound familiar   
Fox: I bet I do- Solid Snake!   
Snake: You know me?   
Otacon: waagh! *runs into a locker*   
Fox: Fine, he can watch from in there   
Snake: I need that geek, you keep your slimy metallic hands off of him!   
Fox: If you really want him, then we shall have to battle to the death, I shall kill you, or you shall kill me, either way, one of us will end up dead as a duck's toenail.   
Snake: hmph- hope they got your burial plot ready!   
Fox: Then make me feel it Snake! Make me feel alive again!   
Snake: I'm saving myself for...someone   
Fox: O_o who...?   
Snake: erm....*blushes* let's just fight bitch! you going down tonight!   
Fox: Well, c'mon then! Ora Ora! Rakushou! YAHOO! Yoyushi!   
Snake: This isn't Street Fighter y'know   
Fox: Shut up and fight me!!!   
Snake: *shoots his Socom at Fox*   
Fox: *blocks the bullets with his sword*   
Snake: what the-? grr, take that! *beats up Fox with a 3-hit combo* and party   
Fox: Ow dammit! *leaps away*   
Snake: ha! *beats Fox up again*   
Fox: agh! *leaps away* that's good Snake, now we can fight as warriors! *makes his sword disappear* hand-to-hand is the basis of all combat, only a fool trusts his life to a weapon.   
Snake: so you killed those guards up without your sword?   
Fox: My life wasn't reliant in my weapon   
Snake: oh...agh! *smacked by a flying kick from Fox*   
Fox: *leaps away* hehehehehe   
Snake: grr   
Fox: *flying kicks again*   
Snake: *dodges it and smacks Fox again with some punches*   
Fox: Ow! dammit! I'm supposed to kick your ass!   
Snake: not today! *smacks Fox again*   
Fox: ow! stop it!   
Snake: Nu! *hits Fox again*   
Fox: *leaps away from Snake* that's good Snake *turns invisible* hurry up and catch me, bitch! *leaps away*   
Snake: *equips Thermal Goggles, spots Fox and beats him up in his hiding place*   
Fox: agh! damn your Thermal goggles! *leaps away*   
Snake: *thoughts: huh? where'd he go?*   
Fox: Iiii'm heerreee Snaaakke!   
Snake: Jolly nice of you to reveal your location *beats Fox again*   
Fox: Good thing I'm a masochist! *leaps away again*   
Snake: Please! I know where you are, I can see your shadow even without the goggles. No need to try and hide from me in stealth camo, it's worthless   
Fox: I'm standing behind you Snake   
Snake: Huh? *turns around*   
Fox: MADE YA LOOK! *smacks Snake with a giant, life-draining punch*   
Snake: ugh! *spins around and sprawls across the floor* *codec call* Oh, damn! Ninja bloke, would you mind holding? got a call   
Fox: Oh, please, by all means, go ahead.   
Snake: Thank you. *takes the call* 

Master: Snake, you better take a ration, you could die from another hit like that   
Snake: Least someone cares : )   
Master: Very much so Snake ^_~   
Snake: *giggles*   
Master: anyway, have to go now, just had to mention that to you   
Snake: aww, ok, bye bye   
Master: bye *ends call* 

Snake: *eats a ration* Ok, let's go   
Fox: *walks calmy towards Snake*   
Snake: *backs away, dropping a Chaff Grenade*   
Fox: *treads on the grenade, causing it to explode* AAAAGGGHHH!! D...DA...DAMN...MA...M-MACHINERY!   
Snake: Eat lead Tin-man! *shoots Fox with Famas*   
Fox: urgh! *drops to the floor on his knees until the chaff strips dissipate* ah, I'm alive again *walks towards Snake*   
Snake: catch me if you can *runs away from Fox just as he gets close*   
Fox: *punches* huh?   
Snake: *smashes Fox's head in*   
Fox: agh! more! More!   
Snake: say what?   
Fox: I'm a masochist   
Snake: Oh, I see *hits Fox again*   
Fox: ah yes, I remember, that punch!   
Snake: Be beaten already! *smacks Fox again*   
Fox: agh....*staggers* AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! *starts his little forcefield electric shock*aghmybackpackaghmybackpackaghmybackpackHURTMEMORE!   
Snake: -_- *shoots Fox with Famas*   
Fox: Agh! *disappears, then reappears on the left of the computers on the upper screen* aghmybackpackaghmybackpackaghmybackpack   
Snake: Hey, Ninja? d'ya mind skipping this part?   
Fox: Nah, after all, I just shock in 2 other spaces anyway   
Snake: Ok then- let's get on with it   
Fox: Fine *ahem* ahh, I felt that Snake! do you remember me now?   
Snake: ......   
Fox: er...Zanzibar? Outer Heaven? sexy soldier that you fought?   
Snake: Big Boss wasn't sexy   
Fox: NO! his lieutenant!   
Snake: Grey Fox?! It can't be! you were killed at Zanzibar!   
Fox: well, actually, I was just pretending to be-AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!   
Snake: *sighs* here we go again   
Fox: the...the medicine! *drops on all fours and starts banging his head on the floor*   
Snake: Nah way, if you're banging your head like that, then I ain't doing anything about your all-fours   
Fox: I *bang*-I *bang*-I'm *bang* looossing *bang* myyseelf! *bang, then stops*   
Snake: ....Fox, you need a doctor   
Fox: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs off and disappears*   
Snake: was it something I said? *shrugs, then calls on the Codec* 

Snake: Colonel! It's Gray Fox- that ninja! it's him!   
Campbell: Yes Snake, that was Gray Fox, and that guy in the locker is Mr Teezy-Weezy from the Magical Land of Fnargh!   
Naomi: No, it's true! that was Gray Fox.   
Campbell: He's dead!   
Naomi: No, his body was taken from the Zanzibar battlefield and revived. He was brought to the labs at FOX-HOUND and fitted with an exeskeleton and was given a lifetime's supply of weed while Dr Clark, my predecessor, used him for his experiments like a plaything!   
Snake: Experiments such as-?   
Naomi: Usually titled with questions, such the 'Can Cyborgs get high?' experiment, which proved that they can with the lifetime supply, and 'Do Cyborgs also want to murder the Teletubbies?', which was proved they did by subjecting Fox to watching every episode, and from the Blade Runner book, 'do robots dream of electronic sheep?', which proved negative, as Grey Fox just dreamt about images of naked ladies and nightmares about the Teletubbies, and of course, the gene therapy experiments   
Campbell: that's the sickest thing I've ever heard!   
Naomi: They used him for all sorts of gene experiments, but then, there was an explosion that killed Dr Clark and destroyed most of the lab.   
Snake: What happened to Gray Fox after that?   
Naomi: The record said he died in the explosion.   
Snake: why didn't you tell us sooner?   
Naomi: Because I'm a spy   
Campbell+Snake: *gasp*   
Naomi: Only kidding, because it's confidential information   
Snake: why does everyone ALWAYS KEEP THINGS FROM ME?!?! *ends call* 

Snake: *walks over to the lockers* hey, how long are you gonna stay in there?   
Otacon: As long as possible!   
Snake: C'mon! get out!   
Otacon: ...are you one of them?   
Snake: No, I always work alone?   
Otacon: ....ever seen Dominion Tank Police?   
Snake: Every episode and movies and whatever   
Otacon: Akira?   
Snake: Oh, can't forget Akira- that's just a classic!   
Otacon: Urotsukidoji: Legend of the Overfiend?   
Snake: Nah, La Blue Girl?   
Otacon: Big ol' boxset, along with Adventure Duo and some other....stuff   
Snake: Ok now, c'mon! come out of the closet-I mean, locker!   
Otacon: *opens the locker door*   
Snake: You're the engineer, Hal Emmerich, right?   
Otacon: *gets out of the locker and pushes his glasses up* yeah...Oh! you must be here to rescue me!! YIPPEE! No more Gear to work on! No more helping soldiers find medicine! No more taping Hollyoaks for Liquid Snake, Neighbours for Raven and the 'A Fistful of Dollars' trilogy (A Fistful of Dollars, For A Few Dollars More, and The Good, The Bad & the Ugly) for Ocelot! YES!   
Snake: actually....no- I need to do something else first.   
Otacon: Oh, you bastard!   
Snake: Hey, if I wasn't here, then you'd be a Ninja Shishkebab!   
Otacon: *sighs* well, least you're not one of them *limps across*   
Snake: Are you Ok?   
Otacon: Yeah, I just twisted my ankle whilst trying to get away   
Snake: So pathetic, anyway, I heard you created Metal Gear Rex- what's its main function?   
Otacon: It's a mobile TMD (theatre missile defence) module designed to shoot down enemy missiles, for defensive purposes of course, and also works as part-time ice cream van   
Snake: *lifts Otacon up by the collar of his lab coat*   
Otacon: waah!   
Snake: You liar! I know that its nothing but a walking DEATHMOBILE!   
Otacon: Death Mobile? isn't that the name of a supervillain's car?   
Snake: No! The terrorists plan to launch a nuke if their demands aren't met   
Otacon: Huh? they're gonna put a dismantled nuclear warhead in Rex's TMD missile module?   
Snake: NO! you dumbass! Ever since the beginning, the whole purpose of this operation was to test its nuclear launch capability- the terrorists are just continuing the work YOU STARTED! *shoves Otacon*   
Otacon: Nah, you ain't right bitch!   
Snake: I heard it right from the horse's mouth   
Mr Ed: No you didn't, you heard it from President Baker   
Snake: Ok Ed, Ok.   
Otacon: No...a nuclear missile on Rex?   
Snake: You didn't know?   
Otacon: No, all the armanents were built by a separate department- I was just constructing what it looks like- looks a bit like something from Gundam Wing don't it?   
Snake: Just get to the point- what is Rex armed with?   
Otacon: All I know is that its armed with a Vulcan Cannon, a laser and a railgun   
Snake: Hmm, a railgun?   
Otacon: Yep, it fires bullets at high-velocities using magnets- causes quite a lot of damage- it destroyed the Wisconsin Armstech base when one of the workers cleaning the cockpit accidentally turned it on. It was made in a co-development between Armstech and Rivermore National Labs.   
Snake: The purpose of it was to fire missiles- aren't you...oh, I dunno...FORGETTING SOMETHING STAR-TREK BOY?!?   
Otacon: well, it's true that it has a missile firing system on its back that can hold up to 8 missiles, but are you really saying that it was originally meant to fire nuclear missiles?   
Snake: No, I'm saying that it's meant to fire ham sandwiches, OF COURSE I MEAN NUCLEAR MISSILES! Though that's not all I think...   
Otacon: No, could it be?   
Snake: ...   
Otacon: ....   
Snake: ...could it be..what?   
Otacon: The co-developer, Rivermore National Labs, was working on a new type of nuclear weapon, using NOVA & NIF cold nuclear fusion techniques...   
Snake: *hearing: blahblahblah-blahblahblah, blahblahblahblah, blahblahblah* er, yeah....   
Otacon: hey, come over here, I wanna show you something   
Snake: ergh....no, that story's been done over a hundred times by various Metal Gear fans after this game   
Otacon: No, no, I meant these supercomputers here *shows Snake some big grey block*- linked up, they can test anything in a simulated environment.   
Snake: Hmm...I see...   
Otacon: what did our President do? .....*bangs the ground* Damn! *sniff* damn!   
Snake: er...are you ok? you seem to be going insane   
Otacon: No, the truth is....my grandfather worked on the Manhattan Project...   
Snake: Manhattan doesn't have any projects, it's the Bronx that's the most run-down   
Otacon: No, THE Manhattan Project! The Atom Bombs that were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki   
Snake: Oh....your grandfather was Robert Oppenheimer?   
Otacon: Shut up! He lived with the guilt for the rest of his life, and my father- he was born on August 6th, 1945   
Snake: The day of the Hiro-shee-ma bomb...god's got a sense of humour all right.   
Otacon: Hir-rosh-shi-ma   
Snake: say what?   
Otacon: It's pronounced Hir-rosh-shi-ma, not Hiro-shee-ma   
Snake: Ok, ok, I get it.   
Otacon: 3 generations of Emmerich men- we must have the curse of nuclear weapons in our DNA. I thought I could use science to help mankind, but that's just in the movies...WAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! ;_;   
Snake: hey, that's enough crying- you've already lost most fluid earlier.   
Otacon: Oh, that's right, I'll need to change my pants soon.   
Snake: How can I stop the nuclear launch? I heard there was an override system to it.   
Otacon: You'll need to go to the control room- its facing the front of Rex- that's where the override terminals are. You better hurry though, their ballistic program must be completed by now, and since they haven't called for me in a while they must not need me.   
Intercom: HAL EMMERICH TO TANK HANGAR 1ST BASEMENT! HAL EMMERICH TO TANK HANGAR 1ST BASEMENT! TIME FOR 'NEIGHBOURS'! TIME FOR 'NEIGHBOURS'!   
Otacon: At this time of night?! Jeez!   
Snake: night? it was sunny when I walked through the canyon   
Otacon: It was? must be the lighting.   
Snake: Anyway, where is Metal Gear?   
Otacon: It's at the second floor basement of the...blast..furnace place....the...er...um.....underground maintenance base! yes! underground maintenance base north of the Communications Towers.   
Snake: Great detail -_-   
Otacon: It's a long way there though- I'll show you the way *limps towards the door*   
Snake: With that leg? you're just gonna slow my ass down!   
Otacon: Hey! You need me to destroy Rex! plus I have great video-editing abilities! I even made this rocking Lee Chaolan vid with the 50-combo hit   
Snake: You're Rajin-Ohki?   
Otacon: Huh?   
Snake: Oh, that's right- 1998   
Otacon: Well, there's always Tekken 3   
Snake: Lee isn't in that game though   
Otacon: Oh yeah   
Snake: It doesn't have walls either....wait, what the hell are we talking about? I don't need you! I just need your brain!   
Otacon: I built Rex, It's my duty to destroy it!   
Snake: How the hell are you going to destroy a giant robot with a Vulcan cannon, a laser, a railgun that can destroy a Wisconsin factory and a nuclear missile!?   
Otacon: er.....Ctrl+Alt+Delete?   
Snake: Oh yeah! that'll work! don't forget to save your work before you do it!   
Otacon: Fine, fine, I'll stay here then   
Snake: well, I might need you- since you know this base well   
Otacon: Yep- I even know that there's a secret corridor on the Tank Hangar's 2nd Floor Basement where you can obtain a digital camera- you can only open it with a level 4 card though...which I have in my hand here actually.   
Snake: *snatches it off Otacon* Thanks Hal!   
Otacon: Call me Otacon   
Snake: Otacon?   
Otacon: Yeah, it stands for 'Otaku Convention'- actually spelt Otakon, but I don't wanna get sued.   
Snake: who does?   
Otacon: *chuckles* An Otaku is a person like me who likes Japanimation- I didn't get into science to make nuclear weapons   
Snake: Most guys studying science want to become doctors or gynaecologists   
Otacon: Why gynaecologists?   
Snake: -_-;;;;;;;..........nevermind about that- why did you get into science then?   
Otacon: Well, Japan was the first country to create bipedal robots   
Snake: .......   
Otacon: ...robots in the shape of humans that can do human-type things when controlled to, or robot suits that humans can equip and control- like that robot suit that guy was wearing in 'Transformers: The Movie' when he was dangled above that pit of liquid metal.   
Snake: ..oh, I get it! A Transformer! Did you wanna make an Autobot or a Decepticon?   
Otacon: Decepticons-they look cooler, I mean, haven't you seen Starscream? he transforms into the coolest jet ever!   
Snake: He sounds like a wimp though, and Galvatron BLASTED-HIS-TIN-CAN-ASS!   
Otacon: oh, you prefer Galvatron then? that big purple wuss! Megatron looked cooler then him! in fact, a dead Optimus Prime looks cooler then him!   
Snake: Optimus Prime is like Kenny from South Park- he keeps dying but is always alive next time   
Otacon: Anyway- I got into science so I could make robots like those in Japanese animes- It's true! I swear by it! Look at Rex for example! *shows Snake a picture of Rex*   
Snake: looks like something from 'Zone Of The Enders' _I don't own that either-Tekk_>   
Otacon: See?   
Snake: Well, 'Otacon'-   
Otacon: Hmm?   
Snake: er...you ok my friend?   
Otacon: huh?   
Snake: you Ok? nothing bothering you? *patting Otacon on the back* cos you know I like you *baby-talk* don't you? don't we like wittle Ottie-con, awwwww   
Otacon: What's up with you? getting all friendly all of a sudden   
Snake: Oh, er, nothing *cough*   
Otacon: Weirdo   
Snake: Coming from a man who has the entire boxset of 'La Blue Girl'   
Otacon: hey! I have A boxset! not the whole box collection!   
Snake: you should try to escape- contact me when you've found a safe place to hide   
Otacon: I'm on an island you idiot   
Snake: Oh yeah- well, just hide somewhere and I'll see about getting you out of here.   
Otacon: Ah good, and don't worry, I have this *reveals a teddy bear*   
Snake: O_o? a teddy bear?   
Otacon: Huh? oh! no! not that, this! *presses a button on his collar and he suddenly disappears, then presses it again and reappears* It's the same stealth technology as that 'Gray Fox' guy. With this, I'll be fine, bad leg and all.   
Snake: Hmm, it's a start, but I want Meryl to look after you too. *calls Meryl* 

Meryl: *with balaclava already off* what's hanging Snake?   
Snake: Good news- the engineer's safe and well   
Meryl: That's a relief   
Snake: He has a twisted ankle, but that's nothing to worry about- he also has a stealth camo so-   
Guard's Voice: there she is!   
Meryl: Damn! I've been spotted *her screen goes into static* eek!   
Snake: Meryl! what happened?! *ends call* 

Snake: Something's wrong, I lost contact with Meryl   
Otacon: Didn't I hear some kind of music?   
Snake: Nah, that's my Walkman   
Otacon: Hmm, let's have a listen *on the headphones* ah yeah #boom! shake shake shake da room! boom! shake shake shake the room! boom shake shake shake da room! tick tick tick tick-BOOM!#   
Intercom: HAL EMMERICH! HAL EMMERICH! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?   
Otacon: *replies back on his own intercom* #DA FUSE IS LIT AND I'M ABOUT TO GO BOOM! MERCY MERCY MERCY ME!-# 

(at the Tank Hangar)   
New Guard 8: *standing on the tank with DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince...for real!* didn't have this much atmosphere on the set to 'The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air'.   
New Guard 9: True dat   
Will Smith: This is wack man- I gotta movie to make about guys in black suits defending the earth from the scum of the universe   
N.G 8: Well, what have movies ever done for us?   
DJ: Made the plot for this game?   
N.G 9: True dat   
N.G 8: Oh, shut up!   
Guards in Communications Tower A: GET ON WITH IT DAMMIT!   
Liquid: *in the torture room with Ocelot & Sniper Wolf* yes, I'm tired of these Pythonesque rip-offs   
Wolf: Me too   
Ocelot: And me   
Raven: *at the warehouse* me especially *shivering* brr!   
Lone Guard Patrolling Around Metal Gear: and me- so bloody boring here! 

Snake: Do you know what Meryl looks like?   
Otacon: How do ya mean?   
Snake: well, most of the guards around here are guys, but I wanna be able to tell any girl guards apart from Meryl   
Otacon: Well, one guard stood out from the rest- she was a girl because...well, y'know- 'chest formations'   
Snake: Of course   
Otacon: ...and the curvaceous hips   
Snake: Uh-huh   
Otacon: and those legs *drools*   
Snake: ...er...anything else?   
Otacon: There was her walk too- she kinda wiggles her behind   
Snake: you were really looking   
Otacon: Well, she has a great ass- I mean, a cute behind.   
Snake: Ok- way of walking- got'cha   
Otacon: Ok *turns stealth camo back on* My Codec frequency is 141.12- call me if you need anything, like rations or weapons, etc. See ya later *leaves through the Level 4 door*   
Snake: ...all alone now U_U ah well *picks up whatever twirling ammo/weapon boxes/etc which are left in the Lab after the Ninja fight* Time to find Meryl...*leaves through the level 4 door, through the hallway of corpses, and back into the gas-filled corridor*   
Snake: crap *cough* *puts on Gas Mask* How did Otacon get through this?   
Otacon: blleeeee!!!! *sounds of doors opening and closing*   
Snake: Guess that answers my questions *gets past the camera via blind spot again and heads back towards the Level 3 doors- and on the way picking up the items within the Level 4 door between the 2 Level 3 doors* *exits through the Level 3 doors and heads to the elevator* hmm, maybe I should've asked Otacon where Meryl was patrolling   
Otacon: *in stealth camo* Don't be so dense   
Snake: AGH! *jumps*   
Otacon: hey, its just me! I'm waiting for the elevator too- which floor are you looking for?   
Snake: dunno...1st floor basement?   
Otacon: I was heading for the top floor   
Snake: well, I can get off along the way then   
Otacon: fine   
Elevator: ding! *doors open-Snake & Otacon enter-Snake presses the button for B1*   
Snake: Nice of you to be that nice to me- almost like Master   
Otacon: ....huh?   
Snake: Oh, nothing.   
Elevator: ding! (opens at B1)   
Snake: *gets out* farewell Otacon!   
Otacon: .....*presses the button for floor 1 simultaneously*   
Snake: *takes out his Level 4 card and looks in the level 3 doors ahead* way of walking....ah, there she is! *spots Meryl patrolling at the far end of the room*   
Guard 35: *grumbling still, heading towards Snake*   
Snake: Uh-oh *moves away from the doors and behind a pillar on the far right of the screen* more waiting *sighs* 

**Commercial Break.**

Basic Movie Announcer Voice: 'In a world where even sub-critical nuclear tests are causing a stir, where massive conspiracies are numerous and in big folders at the Pentagon, and in a world where drunken pilots crash planes into skyscrapers. Kurt Russell is Solid Snake in.....Metal Gear Solid 2: VR Missions! Featuring an all star cast of Leonardo DiCaprio as Raiden, Sean Connery as Big Boss's Body, and Christian Slater as Johnny Sasaki'. 

Christian: Hey! shut up in there will'ya?   
B.M.A: 'Metal Gear Solid 2: VR Missions- at all cinema's from next Friday...2010.' (Commercial scripts written by Julie Moore _People in the UK who follow the news might get that joke_ _about the drunken pilot & Julie Moore_>. 

**And now back to our regularly scheduled piss-take.**

Snake: someone's coming   
Computers From the Level 3 room: ooh yes!   
Snake: Not in that sense!   
Meryl: *dressed as soldier, shaking her hips*   
Snake: Yo Meryl!   
Meryl: O_O! *runs into the women's bathroom*   
Snake: *dashes after her to the far end of the toilets* huh? genome clothes?   
Meryl: Don't move *gunclick* That's the second time I've been able to sneak up on the Legendary Solid Snake   
Snake: O_o you're Meryl?   
Meryl: Yes..   
Snake: *thoughts: ooh baby, those panties!* er, there's no way you could pass for a man for long!   
Meryl: What do you mean? hey! men aren't allowed in here!   
Snake: I had no idea you were so...feminine   
Meryl: This is no time to try and hit on me Snake! Besides, it's a waste of time- when I joined up they gave me psychotherapy to destroy my interest in men   
Snake: Most of the guard's here are ugly bastards- you wouldn't need psychotherapy to destroy any interest in them   
Meryl: I dunno, Johnny Sasaki looks cute without his bala-wait! shut up Snake!   
Snake: Same smart mouth, you're Meryl alright? you ok?   
Meryl: Yeah, after all, I was dressed as a Genome Soldier   
Snake: Why did you change? you be better off dressed like one of them   
Meryl: I got tired of disguising myself...the truth is...Johnny Sasaki's guard uniform had really horrible skid-marks in them.   
Snake: Thanks for the image! *notices a mark on Meryl's arm* what's that?   
Meryl: Oh, it's a paint tattoo, its not real- I was a fan of FOXHOUND way back when guys like you and my uncle were in it.   
Snake: Can you prove it?   
Meryl: *takes a card from her top* my Official FOXHOUND fan club card...*produces a big bag full of pamphlets* the FOXHOUND fan club newsletters...   
Snake: *takes one of the newsletters* 'What I did in Zanzibar, chapter 1, By Solid Snake'....it's a bad likeness -_-   
Meryl: There was none of that gene therapy stuff back then- you guys were like real heroes.   
Snake: There are no heroes in war- all the heroes I know are either dead, in prison, or having geeks play them in movies.   
Meryl: But Snake, you're a hero aren't you?   
Snake: I dunno- haven't seen Kurt Russell play me in a movie yet.   
Meryl: Come on!   
Snake: It's only when I'm staring death in the face, the only time I feel truly alive.   
Meryl: Seeing other people die makes you feel alive huh? you love war and don't want it to stop? Is it the same with all great heroes of war?   
Snake: Why didn't you contact me?   
Meryl: the Chief Genome took it off me- said I didn't need it for my patrol route- and then went and had 'Codec Sex' with one of the female soldiers over it.   
Snake: hmm.....*thoughts: ...maybe later* is that all?   
Meryl: Shouldn't you be happy that we met up like this?   
Snake: In a ladies room at a nuclear processing facility in a remote part of Alaska's Fox Islands?   
Meryl: Ok, maybe not like this- how did you recognise me in uniform anyway?   
Snake: I never forget a lady...   
Meryl: So there's something you like about me huh?   
Snake: Yeah, your chirpy & excited personality.....that and you have some great T'n A.   
Meryl: Oh, I see, first its my eyes, now its my boobs and booty- what next?   
Snake: On the battlefield, you never think about what's next   
Meryl: ......what a crappy chat-up line *puts pants on*   
Snake: hey, bear with me! I'm prone to PTSD- with that, chatting up women isn't the first thing on your mind.   
Meryl: My family used to dream of PTSD- we just had to make do with Chechan Syndrome   
Snake: Chechan Syndrome? that was just a forlorn hope for my foster family- we only had Afghan Syndrome   
Meryl: My mother's cousin had bubonic plague   
Snake: My friend's dad had Legionnaire's Disease 17 times over   
Meryl: My postman had Asperger's Syndrome   
Snake: My paperboy was a quadrepalegic   
Meryl: -_- ....anyway, how are the negotiations going?   
Snake: No progress   
Meryl: So, it's all up to you now huh?   
Snake: Somebody's gotta stop that thing   
Meryl: You plan to take it on by yourself?   
Snake: Wouldn't be the first time   
Meryl: There are 2 ways to disable it- either we destroy Metal Gear-   
Snake: Or we override the detonation code- do you have the card keys from Baker?   
Meryl: Card keys? *reaches down her top* is this is?   
Snake: That's a Level 5 card   
Meryl: Oh *reaches back in* how about this yellow key?   
Snake: Huh? there's supposed to be 3 keys!   
Meryl: That's all I got   
Snake: Where can the other 2 be?   
Meryl: I dunno, gotta be around here somewhere   
Snake: I'll check the cupboards under the sinks, you check the toilets   
Meryl: I don't think you're gonna find them here   
Snake: ...guess so- I'll go off and find them, you hide somewhere   
Meryl: No way! I'm going with you! I know this place better then you!   
Snake: You'll just slow me down- and I have a map y'know   
Meryl: I won't slow you down! I promise!   
Snake: and if you do?   
Meryl: Then we can get busy in a locker ^_~   
Snake: ...I don't like to waste loads   
Meryl: I got it, I'll be careful *looks in the mirror* y'know, I don't use make-up like other women do- I always despised that kind of woman. I always wanted to become a soldier. My father, he was killed in action when I was younger.   
Snake: You wanted to follow in your father's footsteps?   
Meryl: Not really, I just thought that I had to become a soldier- to try and understand him better.   
Snake: Are you a soldier yet?   
Meryl: I thought I was, until today. But now I want to know who I am, and what I'm capable of. It's time I took a long hard look at myself   
(Subtitles saying 'DRAMATIC SCENE' flash on the screen)   
Snake: *whips out his Socom* Take a good look at yourself, you may not get another chance, you should wash your face too whilst you're at it   
Meryl: *suddenly looking like she's in Black Minstrel make-up* _*sniff*_ yeah..   
Snake: This is no training exercise! Our lives are depending on this!   
Meryl: *suddenly without the make-up* ...yeah   
Snake: Is that Famas functional?   
Meryl: Unfortunately, its out of ammo   
Snake: well, you wasted most of those bullets earlier- firing at nothing- so I have no sympathy   
Meryl: >: (   
Snake: *spots Meryl's handgun* where'd you get that Desert Eagle from?   
Meryl: I found it in the Armory- there was a Socom pistol too, but I chose this- its a .50 calibre action express.   
Snake: Huh, I got a leftover then? ....isn't that gun a bit big for a girl?   
Meryl: Sexist!   
Snake: Chauvinist- there are big differences between the two. 

Meryl: *sighs* Ok, let's go- I know this place better then you- follow me *walks out of the toilets*   
Snake: ......*runs into one of the cubicles* aaaaahhhh that feels so good! a-hey! a ration! *sound of flushing* doo-doo-doo-doodoo, de-doo-de-doodoo, doodoo-de-do-de-do-de-doodoo *washes hands* doo-doo-doo-doodoo, de-doo-de-doodoo, doodoo-de-doo-de-doo-doodoo *walks out from the toilets*   
Meryl: That's strange- there's no guards   
Snake: What happened to the music?   
Meryl: Guess today is the day the music died...#so I'm singing 'bye bye Miss American Pie', drove my Chevy to the Levy cos the...levy was dry, and the good ol' boys drinking whisky & rye, singing 'this'll be the day that I die-this'll be the day that I die#   
Snake: .....   
Meryl: Oh *cough* I mean, I'll keep a look-out- make sure you're ready, ok? *walks off, standing next to the level 3 doors*   
Snake: Hmm, no guards eh? hehehehe *runs through the Level 3 doors and goes into each little room- obtaining a second cardboard box, extra ammo for Socom, Famas & Nikita, and some diazepam*   
Meryl: *looks into the room* Snake? where the hell are you?   
(cardboard box sneaks up on her)   
Snake: *from within box* boo!   
Meryl: ......*slaps Snake* what are you thinking?   
Snake: *thoughts: (scenes of Snake & Master Miller skipping through the fields hand-in-hand, rolling about the grass and giggling to some romancy classical music)*   
Meryl: erm...helloooo? anyone in there?   
Snake: Oh, er, yeah, I'm here   
Meryl: Ok then- let's go to the Commander's Room   
Snake: Why?   
Meryl: Why not? *heads off towards the door herself*   
Snake: hey! wait! *runs through the door*   
Meryl: hehehe *walks in after him* 

*freaky music*   
Snake: Oh great, the music's back!   
Meryl: #so I say thank you for the music, and the song I'm singing. Thanks for all the joy they're bringing! who can live without it? I ask you in honesteee, what would life beee? without a song or dance what are we? so I say thank you for the music, for giving it to meeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEE!#   
Snake: ...*smacks Meryl upside the head*   
Meryl: ....sorry, didn't know what came over me just then   
*Snake & Meryl head for the door in front- Meryl rushes over to it, but just as Snake gets close*   
Meryl: oh, my head! it hurts! don't come here Snake!   
Snake: Meryl! what's wrong?   
Meryl: agh...egh...urgh..ah...*in wheezy voice* Nothing, I'm fine. Ok...let's go!   
Snake: O_o?   
Meryl: Come on Mr FOX-HOUND, the commander is waiting   
Snake: *blinks* *walks into the commander's room, with Meryl following behind- then the door closes shut and locks* what the hell?   
Meryl: forget it Snake- just look around   
Snake: O.....k O_o *walks towards the desk when-*   
Meryl: AUGH! *aims her gun at Snake*   
Snake: Huh?   
Meryl: Snaayke, do you...like meee?   
Snake: what?   
Meryl: do youu...like meee? Oh! hold me Snayke!   
Snake: hey! what's wrong with you?   
Meryl: hurry! hurry! make love to mee! *stumbling towards Snake, still with gun aiming*   
Snake: *taking steps back*   
Meryl: Snayke! I-*in Mantis's voice* want yoouuuu!   
Snake: *spots Mantis* who's that?   
Meryl: *in Mantis's voice* huh? you don't like girls? Maybe you prefer Vulcan's 'Raven' instead!   
Snake: *gulps* *codec call* erm...I'll get back to you on that, got a call   
Mantis/Meryl: Oh, ok   
Snake: *answers call* 

Campbell: Snake! don't use your weapon! Meryl's not herself!   
Naomi: It's Psycho Mantis! He's taken control of her mind- that tune is his mind control music!   
Snake: ...'DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince's Greatest Hits' are his mind control tunes?   
Naomi: No! take off your walkman!   
Campbell: Just try and knock Meryl out! *ends call* 

Mantis/Meryl: Are you done now?   
Snake: *gets a stun grenade* yep *throws a stun grenade down, then runs circles around Meryl*   
Mantis/Meryl: Stop running! I wanna shoot yo-*grenade explodes* agh crap! *Meryl falls to the ground unconscious*   
Mantis: *hovering shimmering form* *in Darth Vader voice* hmph, useless woman, the force wasn't strong within her after all   
Snake: Stealth camoflage and a dead-on impression of Darth Vader- hope that's not your only trick!   
Mantis: YOU! You doubt the force? That's it! Now I'm going to show you why I'm *appears in full, making Snake flinch* the most powerful practioner of telepathy, psychokinesis-slash-telekinesis and Star Wars impressions in the world!   
Snake: Bugger me!   
Mantis: That's right- this is no trick- this is pure power! for I am PSYCHO MANTIS! *hums the Star Wars Galactic Empire theme* Now...let me read your mind- or should I say, your past.....hmm, you are a Taurus called David, with a fetish for cardboard boxes and an IQ of 180   
Snake: I'm a Capricorn actually   
Mantis: what? you still doubt me?! NOW I WILL READ MORE DEEPLY INTO YOUR SOUL!!!! *waves arms about like a loon* You're a dab hand at Konami's Silent Scope, and 'Fist Of The North Star: Fighting Mania' is one of your strong points, yet you've haven'tg unlocked Shin Akuma or Evil Ryu in Street Fighter Alpha 3 yet   
Snake: ....I unlocked Evil Ryu 2 days ago   
Mantis: You still don't believe me? now I'll show you my telekinetic powers! Put your controller on the floor as flat as you can   
Snake: O_o? .....*places a figurine of the Fat Controller from 'Thomas The Tank Engine' on the floor*   
Mantis: That's good! now, watch me move your controller by the power of my will alone!!! *waves his arms about like a loon again, making the figurine stand up, stick his hand towards Snake and stick up a middle finger*   
Snake: grrr! *stamps on the figurine, smashing it*   
Mantis: Now do you accept my power?? th-the demonstration! IT'S OVER! BAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! 

**_End of Chapter 3._**   
_Will Snake succeed against Psycho Mantis?....of course he will!_   
  
  



End file.
